Red Dwarf


Rimmer: It’s not easy you know to come in every night, look in that mirror, and see a guy nobody likes.
Cat: How do you think we feel? We got to look at it all day.

Lister: I remember when my dad died you know. I was only six. I got loads of presents off everyone like it was Christmas. I remember wishing a couple more people would die so I could complete my Lego set. My grandma tried to explain you know. She said he’d gone away and he wasn’t coming back. So I wanted to know where like, you know. She said he was very happy and he’d gone to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought they’d flushed him down the bog. I thought he was just round the U bend you know. I used to stuff food down, you know, and magazines and that for him to read. They took me to a child psychologist in the end because they found me with my head down the bowl reading him the football results.

Rimmer: I never agreed with my parents’ religion but I wouldn’t dream of knocking it.
Lister: What were they?
Rimmer: Seventh Day Advent Hoppists. They believed that every Sunday should be spent hopping. They would hop to church, hop through the service and hop back home again.
Lister: What’s the idea behind that then?
Rimmer: Well, they took the Bible literally. Adam and Eve, the snake and the apple, everything. Took it word for word. Unfortunately their version had a misprint. It was all based on 1 Corinthians 13, where it says “faith, hop and charity, and the greatest of these is hop.” So that’s what they did every seventh day. I tell you, Sunday lunchtimes were a nightmare. Hopping around the table serving soup. We all had to wear sou’esters and asbestos underwear.

Rimmer: I’m organised, I’m dedicated to my career, I’ve always got a pen. Result? Total smeghead despised by everyone except the ship’s parrot. And that’s only because we haven’t got one.

Lister: Love is what separates us from the animals.
Rimmer: No, Lister, what separates us from animals is that we don’t use our tongues to clean our genitals.

Holly: This an SOS distress call from the mining ship Red Dwarf. The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak. The only survivors were Dave Lister who was in suspended animation at the time of the disaster and his pregnant cat who was safely sealed in the hold. Revived three million years later, Lister’s only companions are a lifeform who evolved from his cat and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew. We’ve got enough food to last three thousand years but we’ve only got one After Eight mint left and everyone’s too polite to take it.

Rimmer: He’s reached the pinnacle of evolution. He’s human.
Lister: What’s so big about being human?
Rimmer: Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, Listy.

Rimmer: I just wanted to say that, over the years, I have come to regard you as … people I met.


Ace Rimmer: He’s looking so geeky he couldn’t even get into a science-fiction convention.

Kryten: I was just idly flicking through an electrical appliance catalogue. I came across the section on super deluxe vacuum cleaners, and suddenly my underpant elastic was catapulted across the Medical Bay.
Lister: You see, man? You’re neither one thing or the other. You shouldn’t be gettin’ erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
Kryten: Er, it was a triple-bag, easy-glide vac, with turbo-suction and a self-emptying dustbag.
Lister: Kryte, I don’t care what model it was! No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid!

Cat: Yeah, it’s awful, man, when a woman screws you up so bad you want to become a squirrel.

Rimmer: We’re not getting out of here in one piece, or if we do, it’ll be one big flat piece.

Lister: We’re on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
Cat: Hey, it’s not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It’s the policewoman’s helmet and the suspenders that I don’t understand!

Kryten: What would you say to a glass of drinking chocolate?
Kochanski: I’d say, “Glass of drinking chocolate, get me out of here!”

Rimmer: So Lister what are you telling us? You’re a closet squirrel? Behind closed doors you parade up and down with a strap-on bushy tail, calling yourself Nutkin?

Rimmer: Look, I think we’ve all got something to bring to this conversation, but I think that from now on what you should bring is silence.

Rimmer: Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes to tackle even the trickiest of sea-bound mammals. Yes, I am over 18, although my IQ isn’t.

Kochanski (to the noisy pipes, after she’s smacked them with a wrench): What did I tell you? I told you! Didn’t I tell you? How many times have I told you? Right, what was the last one? “Nureek.” So the next one will be a “rotut” and the one after that will be a “hanunga.” Four seconds, three seconds, two seconds… [the pipes rotut, she whacks them] Now “hanunga.” [the pipes nureek] No, that’s wrong! You’ve gone out of sequence! “Nureek,” “rotut,” “hanunga!” What’s wrong with you? If you’re going to keep me up all night just do it right, okay?

Kryten: I’m up and down more often than a pair of kangaroos in the mating season!

Rimmer: Kryten, kindly get to the point before I jam your nose between your cheeks and make it the filling of a buttocks sandwich.


Lister sings “Lunar City Seven”.
RIMMER: Lister, have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallot?

The End

Lister: It’s really debilitating being crazy about somebody. You lose 20 IQ points every time you see them.
Rimmer: You must be nuts about a fair few people then.

Holly: I know what I did wrong last time. It’s a mistake any deranged, half-witted computer could have made.

Rimmer: They’ve been naughty boys, haven’t they, Mr. Flibble?
Mr. Flibble: Yes.
Rimmer: What happens to naughty boys who’ve been naughty, Mr. Flibble?
Mr. Flibble: Uncle Arnie fries them alive with his Hex Vision.
Rimmer: That’s right, Mr. Flibble.

Lister: It’s just a box with “STOP” and “START” on it!
Holly: Fairly straightforward. If you want to start it, press “START.” You can work out the rest of the controls for yourself.