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Lister: I remember when my dad died you know. I was only six. I got loads of presents off everyone like it was Christmas. I remember wishing a couple more people would die so I could complete my Lego set. My grandma tried to explain you know. She said he’d gone away and he wasn’t coming back. So I wanted to know where like, you know. She said he was very happy and he’d gone to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought they’d flushed him down the bog. I thought he was just round the U bend you know. I used to stuff food down, you know, and magazines and that for him to read. They took me to a child psychologist in the end because they found me with my head down the bowl reading him the football results.
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More from Red Dwarf
Rimmer: I used to be with the Samaritans.
Lister: I know. For one morning.
Rimmer: Well I couldn’t take any more.
Lister: I don’t blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn’t mind but one was a wrong number. He only phoned up for the cricket scores.
Rimmer: It’s hardly my fault everyone chose that particular day to throw themselves off buildings. It made the papers, you know.
Rimmer: The world loves a bastard!
Back in the Red (Part 1)
Rimmer: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 217 states just as clearly, “No chance you metal bastard.”
Lister: Put simply, by killing us they killed themselves, because once we were dead it was impossible for us to become them in the future, and return in time to kill ourselves in the past, even though it was the present.
Tikka to Ride
Rimmer: What are you talking about?
Lister: I’m talking about playing your self-hypnosis tapes all through the night. “Learn Esperanto While You Sleep.” “Learn Quantum Theory While You Sleep.”
Rimmer: We both got the same benefit.
Lister: Yeah, neither of us got any sleep.