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Lister: I remember when my dad died you know. I was only six. I got loads of presents off everyone like it was Christmas. I remember wishing a couple more people would die so I could complete my Lego set. My grandma tried to explain you know. She said he’d gone away and he wasn’t coming back. So I wanted to know where like, you know. She said he was very happy and he’d gone to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought they’d flushed him down the bog. I thought he was just round the U bend you know. I used to stuff food down, you know, and magazines and that for him to read. They took me to a child psychologist in the end because they found me with my head down the bowl reading him the football results.
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Rimmer: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 217 states just as clearly, “No chance you metal bastard.”
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Rimmer: What are you talking about?
Lister: I’m talking about playing your self-hypnosis tapes all through the night. “Learn Esperanto While You Sleep.” “Learn Quantum Theory While You Sleep.”
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Lister: Yeah, neither of us got any sleep.
Rimmer: Well, if you have any more problems with nothing or things that don’t matter, just scream out my name hysterically and I’ll come pelting down the corridor!