Rhoda Morgenstern Gerard: My name is Rhoda Morgenstern. I was born in the Bronx, New York in December, 1941. I’ve always felt responsible for World War II. The first thing I remember liking that liked me back was food. I had a bad puberty; it lasted 17 years. I’m a high school graduate. I went to art school. My entrance exam was on a book of matches. I decided to move out of the house when I was 24; my mother still refers to this as the time I ran away from home. Eventually I ran to Minneapolis, where it’s cold, and I figured I’d keep better. Now I’m back in Manhattan. New York, this is your last chance!

Joe (Season 1, Episode 1)

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Dr. Henry Gerber: Should we go into the examination room?
Ida Morgenstern: Alright, where’s the woman who’s going to examine me?
Dr. Henry Gerber: I’m going to examine you.
Ida Morgenstern: You? Why?
Dr. Henry Gerber: Why? Why do you think?
Ida Morgenstern: Because I think you get your kicks from seeing a woman my age naked.
Dr. Henry Gerber: Mrs. Morgenstern, I examine naked people all day long. I’ve been doing it for over 20 years.
Ida Morgenstern: Aw, come on doctor, you mean to say if uh, you don’t see an extraordinary body, you don’t let that stethoscope linger a little?

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Dr. Henry Gerber: Do you have any allergies?
Ida Morgenstern: I’m allergic to little bottles.
Dr. Henry Gerber: Then I’ll get you a big one.

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Dr. Henry Gerber: Have you had any social diseases?
Ida Morgenstern: Social diseases? I don’t know who brought you up, but I’m a lady, and you’re not to use words like that in my presence.

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Brenda Morgenstern: Vince, this is so much trouble you go to. I mean, why lug your accordion all the way here when I can just put on some records or something?
Vince Mazuma: Well, I thought it would turn you on.

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Rhoda Morgenstern Gerard: Aw, listen, I didn’t mean to interrupt… I mean busting in on you and, uh…
Brenda Morgenstern: …Vince.
Vince Mazuma: Hey, don’t worry about it. If anything was really going on, we wouldn’t have heard the knock.

Chest Pains