Dad always said that laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died from tuberculosis.
The Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special.
The Church Lady: Oh, I don’t know, could it be…. SATAN?
Norm MacDonald: In the news today Ellen Degenres announced that she was gay, and in related news Richard Simmons announced today that he is REALLY, REALLY gay.
Mango: You can never have mango!
Matt Foley (Chris Farley): My name is Matt Foley, I’m 35, divorced, and I LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!
If a child asks you where rain comes from, tell them it’s God crying. If they ask why He’s crying, tell them it’s probably because of something they did.
Andy Kaufman (singing): Here I come to save the day!
Chris Farley: Lay off me I’m starving!!!!
Ariana the cheerleader: I’m Ariana! I have teen spirit, I don’t do drugs, so check me out! Chacha chaboochie roll call!
Craig the cheerleader: My name is Craig, I did drugs once. I am a Spartan, so check me out!
Jane: Dan, there’s an old saying: behind every successful man is a woman; a loving, giving, caring woman. But you wouldn’t know about that, Dan, cause there’s no old saying about what’s behind a miserable failure.
Dan: Jane, you ignorant slut.
Cheri Oteri: Simma down now!
Alex Trebek: And for final jeopardy today your question is: horsies – are they pretty? Just write yes or no. Keep in mind, there is no wrong answer.
I want to die in my sleep peacefully like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Alex Trebek (Reading Sean Connery’s answer for final jeopardy): Your answer is buck. Well, that must be your wager, so let’s check your answer, futter. Hmmm, buck futter. I don’t get it.
Sean Connery: Oh I think you do, Trebek!
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. “Uh-oh,” he thought. “This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.”