Isaac: Danny, I need to talk to you.
Dan: Good, ’cause I need to talk to you too. Who should go first?
Isaac: Since I don’t really care what you have to say, I think it should be me.
Natalie: Two guys have ascended five miles into the sky. They walked up a wall of ice, and are preparing to knock on the door of Heaven itself. There’s really no end to what we can do. You know what the trick is?
Natalie: Get in the game.
Dana: I’ve named this Thanksgiving. I’m calling it “The Thanksgiving of Mom’s Disapproval.” Included on the two-record set are the hit songs “Why Aren’t You Married?” and “Sports Is No Place For An Educated Woman,” and “Didn’t Anyone Ever Tell You How To Cook A Turkey?”
Elliot: How’s the writer’s block?
Dan: You’re gonna need to get someone to fix my computer.
Kim: What’s wrong with it?
Dan: It’s in several pieces on my floor.
Dana: How much do you love me?
Dan: I want to grow a goatee.
Dana: Very, very bad idea. How much do you love me?
Dan: I think it would look good.
Dana: I think you would look like Colonel Sanders. How much do you love me?
Dan: A little less than I did before the Colonel Sanders thing.
Dan: I’ll tell you what else. I’m starting to get a little cheesed at people telling me the reason I don’t like soccer is that I don’t understand it. I think I do understand it. I think I understand it just fine. I just happen to think it’s a mind-numbing bore, and that any reasonable person would rather be playing it than watching it.
Casey: Well, I know it doesn’t match the pulse-pounding excitement of a good sailboat race.
Dan: I’ve been thinking a lot about soccer lately.
Dan: I’m pretty much through with that.
Dan: Ya know, to save my life I couldn’t name five teams that play in the MLS? I know there’s Luxembourg.
Casey: The MLS is an American soccer league.
Dan: Luxembourg doesn’t play in this league?
Dan: So I don’t even know Luxembourg.
Jeremy: Not fitting in is how qualified people get fired.
Isaac: Yeah, but a lot of the time, it’s how they end up working here.
Jeremy: Look, I know these are animals, and they don’t play bridge and go to the prom, but you can’t tell me that the little one didn’t know who his mother was. That’s gotta mean something. And later, at the hospital, Bob Shoemaker was telling me about the nobility and tradition of hunting and how it related to the native American Indians. And I nodded and I said that was interesting while I was thinking about what a load of crap it was. Hunting was part of Indian culture. It was food and it was clothes and it was shelter. They sang and danced and offered prayers to the gods for a successful hunt so that they could survive just one more unimaginably brutal winter. The things they had to kill held the highest place of respect for them, and to kill for fun was a sin. And they knew the gods wouldn’t be so generous next time. What we did wasn’t food and it wasn’t shelter and it sure wasn’t sports. It was just mean.
Isaac: It’s taken me a lot of years, but I’ve come around to this: If you’re dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you’re smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you. I’m an awfully smart man, and Mark Sabath is an idiot. He had you, and he blew it. You’re gonna do great here Jeremy, but you’ve gotta trust us.
Casey: There is a perception in the press, never clearer than in this article, that I’m not cool. Now, where do you think this perception comes from?
Dana: I think it comes from reality.
J.J.: My point is, at the moment, Casey has less on-air charm and charisma than my high school driving instructor, and you know it, Dan. Now I think the time has come for you to think about the possibility of another partner.
Dan: I’m not going to do the show with your high school driving instructor, J.J., if that’s what you’re asking me.
Dan Rydell: Come with us.
Casey McCall: Where?
Dan Rydell: El Perro Fumando.
Casey McCall: “The Smoking Dog”?
Dan Rydell: Yes.
Casey McCall: Why?
Dan Rydell: If you wear something blue, you get two dollars off a giant blue margarita.
Casey McCall: You know, I make a pretty good living. I can actually afford to wear what I want and pay full price.
Dan Rydell: I’m not promoting the economic upside as much as I am the opportunity to drink something giant and blue.
Jeremy Goodwin: And in that moment, Dan was reminded once again why he wanted to write in the first place: to impress women.
Natalie Hurley: On page 66, halfway down in the NFL injury report, it says “Collins is expected to miss practice this week, the result of a bulging disk.”
Dan Rydell: Yeah?
Natalie Hurley: There’s a typo on the TelePrompter. They left out the ‘s.’
Casey McCall: Collins is expected to be sidelined a week to 10 days with a bulging di-uh oh.
Dan Rydell: Whoa. That’s a big 10-4.
Casey McCall: My next line in the script was “Let’s go to the videotape.”
Natalie Hurley: We might have gotten some phone calls.