Michael Kelso: I miss Eric.
Jackie Burkhardt: Well, you still have me.
Michael Kelso: It’s not the same, Jackie. I can talk to Eric about things that I can’t talk about with you.
Jackie Burkhardt: Okay, well like what?
Michael Kelso: Well, for instance, the annoying things you do.
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael.
Michael Kelso: See, I can’t talk to you.
Donna Pinciotti: You have the van. We want to go home.
Michael Kelso: Na-ah! I can’t leave Annette. I love her.
Eric: No, you don’t.
Michael Kelso: I love parts of her.
Eric: You know, Hyde, at first I thought your father was a real dirtbag. But I’ve come to realize that there’s a fine line between dirt bag and Father Of The Year.
Kitty Forman: I can’t believe that any of you can walk into a church without bursting into flames.
Red Forman: Forman, party of two.
Restaurant Hostess: Okey dokey, that’ll be about two hours.
Red Forman: Here’s twenty bucks.
Restaurant Hostess: Okay we’ll have something in fifteen minutes.
Red Forman: You don’t want this place to burn down twice do you?
Restaurant Hostess: Okay we have something right now.
Red Forman: I thought so. Well, it looks like it’s our lucky night.
Red: Let me get this straight – Donna told you she wanted to get back together and you said no?
Eric: I said no.
Red: What the Hell is wrong with you?
Kitty Forman: Dumbass!
Michael Kelso: If this van’s a-rockin’… we’re in there doing it.
Donna Pinciotti: Why does your dad want to ruin my dad’s barbecue?
Eric: Well, my dad thinks that if your dad’s barbecue is better than his, the Russkies are gonna take over the planet.
Eric: Look, Dad, I need my car. Don’t you remember when you were in high school? I bet you had some good times, driving around senior year with your friends.
Red: My senior year, I was driving a gun boat around Okinawa. And, if you count the Japanese snipers as my friends, then yes, I had some good times.
Michael Kelso: BURN!
Leo: I love it here. You can sing as loud as you want. That dude wails away on the organ. That dude up there tells stories. It’s almost a religious experience!
Kelso: You have the right to remain BURNED!
Hyde: You don’t burn someone who’s already crying!
Red: Women are never done with it, son. Anything wrong you do, they sit on it for twenty five years, like an egg. And then it hatches – on Superbowl Sunday.
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael, I told you about Eric so you could help him, not make fun of him.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, but it’s hard to help someone and burn him at the same time.
Kelso: Hi, I’d like an order of books, please.
Brooke: Could you be more specific?
Kelso: Could you be more beautiful?
Brooke: Could you be more lame?
Eric: Kelso, I don’t know if you should come over to dinner tonight.
Michael Kelso: Look, I know you think it’s gonna be uncomfortable because I’m dating Laurie. But, look, Red loves Laurie, and Laurie loves me. Red has to like me. I mean, what kind of father doesn’t love the guy who’s nailing his daughter?
Kitty Forman: Have you ever baked a pie before?
Jackie Burkhardt: No, I don’t really cook much. I kinda was just hoping to get by on my looks.
Kitty Forman: I really doubt that she’s just abandoning Stephen, I mean, she’s his mother.
Eric: Mom, her exact words were “I know I’m your mother but I’m abandoning you.”
Kitty Forman: What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?
Kelso: Yes! And until now, everyone else had the good grace not to mention it!
Eric: Yeah, I mean, when the empire killed Luke Skywalker’s aunt and uncle, did he just call them up?
The others: Ahh, nooo…
Eric: No. He hopped on the Millenium Falcon, and he paid a little visit to the Death Star.
Kitty Forman: Red’s mother is coming.
Midge Pinciotti: What’s that pet name she has for you?
Kitty Forman: Whore.
Eric: What happened between you two?
Fez: Suffice to say that it involved a crowded parking lot, a half off sale and a pair of pants that made my ass look like an oil painting.
Fenton: If you mean old and cracked, I agree.
Fez: I’ll see you in hell!
Fenton: I’ll be wearing your pants!
Eric: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.
Red Forman: Son, you don’t have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you’re a dumbass.
Fez: These after-school specials are thrilling. Who knew that one beer could turn a cheerleader into a whore?