Eric: This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one.
Red Forman: Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?
Eric: Because he had a smart mouth?
Red Forman: That’s right.

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Donna Pinciotti: Why does your dad want to ruin my dad’s barbecue?
Eric: Well, my dad thinks that if your dad’s barbecue is better than his, the Russkies are gonna take over the planet.

Red Forman: Forman, party of two.
Restaurant Hostess: Okey dokey, that’ll be about two hours.
Red Forman: Here’s twenty bucks.
Restaurant Hostess: Okay we’ll have something in fifteen minutes.
Red Forman: You don’t want this place to burn down twice do you?
Restaurant Hostess: Okay we have something right now.
Red Forman: I thought so. Well, it looks like it’s our lucky night.

Leo: I love it here. You can sing as loud as you want. That dude wails away on the organ. That dude up there tells stories. It’s almost a religious experience!

Kelso: You have the right to remain BURNED!

Hyde: You don’t burn someone who’s already crying!