Red: Women are never done with it, son. Anything wrong you do, they sit on it for twenty five years, like an egg. And then it hatches – on Superbowl Sunday.
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael, I told you about Eric so you could help him, not make fun of him.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, but it’s hard to help someone and burn him at the same time.
Kelso: Hi, I’d like an order of books, please.
Brooke: Could you be more specific?
Kelso: Could you be more beautiful?
Brooke: Could you be more lame?
Eric: Kelso, I don’t know if you should come over to dinner tonight.
Michael Kelso: Look, I know you think it’s gonna be uncomfortable because I’m dating Laurie. But, look, Red loves Laurie, and Laurie loves me. Red has to like me. I mean, what kind of father doesn’t love the guy who’s nailing his daughter?
Kitty Forman: Have you ever baked a pie before?
Jackie Burkhardt: No, I don’t really cook much. I kinda was just hoping to get by on my looks.
Kitty Forman: I really doubt that she’s just abandoning Stephen, I mean, she’s his mother.
Eric: Mom, her exact words were “I know I’m your mother but I’m abandoning you.”
Kitty Forman: What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?
Kelso: Yes! And until now, everyone else had the good grace not to mention it!
Eric: Yeah, I mean, when the empire killed Luke Skywalker’s aunt and uncle, did he just call them up?
The others: Ahh, nooo…
Eric: No. He hopped on the Millenium Falcon, and he paid a little visit to the Death Star.
Kitty Forman: Red’s mother is coming.
Midge Pinciotti: What’s that pet name she has for you?
Kitty Forman: Whore.
Eric: What happened between you two?
Fez: Suffice to say that it involved a crowded parking lot, a half off sale and a pair of pants that made my ass look like an oil painting.
Fenton: If you mean old and cracked, I agree.
Fez: I’ll see you in hell!
Fenton: I’ll be wearing your pants!
Eric: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.
Red Forman: Son, you don’t have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you’re a dumbass.
Fez: These after-school specials are thrilling. Who knew that one beer could turn a cheerleader into a whore?
Red Forman: Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
Red Forman: So, this is how an engaged high school dumbass with no car, no job, and no money trims the hedges.
Steven Hyde: That was like, eight burns in one sentence.
Donna Pinciotti: An octo-burn. Let’s get outta here!
Kitty Forman: Sex, it’s not dirty.
Red Forman: It’s not clean either.
Red Forman: When used separately, women and alcohol can be a lot of fun. But if you mix them, they can turn you into a dumbass.
Red Forman: What are you going to put on your resume – dumbass?
Michael Kelso: Guess who made out with Pam Macey behind the gym!
Steven Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?
Michael Kelso: Me!
Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter!
Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, I went on the pill.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my God. You are going to be so popular.
Eric: She was drunk, in the middle of the afternoon. I mean, it was like Sue Ellen on ‘Dallas’.
Fez: You don’t like me because I’m not from here.
Red: This has nothing to do with you being a foreigner. This is about you taking advantage of my daughter like a sneaky foreigner!
Eric: This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one.
Red Forman: Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?
Eric: Because he had a smart mouth?
Red Forman: That’s right.
Kitty Forman: Oh, my god. I married the Grinch. I’m Mrs. Grinch!
Red: Nothing around this house is cheap.
Eric: Except for Laurie.
Laurie Forman: I am not cheap!
Eric: Free, whatever.
Red: I need you to re- sticker the clock radios. They’re on sale.
Eric: Yeah, I saw the flyer. I already took care of it.
Red: Really? Well, way to take initiative.
Eric: “Way to take initiative…”? What are you up to?
Red: Nothing. I just think you did a god job.
Eric: Okay. But I’m watching you.
Red: Stop being weird.