Oscar: I can play basketball if you need any help.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.

Basketball (season 1, episode 5)

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Michael: I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Dwight: Gimli.
Michael: Nerd. That is why you’re not on the team.

Basketball (season 1, episode 5)

Michael: When I retire, I don’t want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be like: “Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?” “Umm, well, uh, I don’t know. It was anonymous.” “Well, guess what? That was Michael Scott!” “But— it was anonymous, how do you know?” “…Because I’m him!”

The Alliance (season 1, episode 4)

Meredith: This one’s from Michael. “Let’s hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.”
Michael: Get it? ‘Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And ’cause you’re getting old.
Meredith: I get it.

The Alliance (season 1, episode 4)

Jim: Dwight, don’t you need health insurance?
Dwight: Don’t need it. Perfect immunity. I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you need to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.

Health Care (season 1, episode 3)

Dwight: OK, first let’s go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Uh, none. You’re picking a healthcare plan.

Health Care (season 1, episode 3)