The Simpsons

Quotations

Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer Simpson: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Skinner: Oh, you think this stolen ‘H’ is a laugh riot, don’t you? Well, I’ll tell you something that’s not so funny: right now Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl! Well, I guess that is a little funny.

Neil Armstong: This is one small step to firing your ass!

Mr. Burns: Well Smithers, another Friday night is upon us, What will you be doing? Something gay no doubt?
Smithers: Wha…? I…
Mr. Burns: You know, mothers lock up your daughters, Smithers is on the town!
Smithers: Eh, eh, eh, exactly sir.

Lisa: Can’t talk … coming down.

Homer: Oh no! Aliens! Bio-duplication! Nude consperesicies! Oh my God! Linden Lerouche was right!!

Kent: Lock your doors and bar your windows, because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family.

Burns: Well, what do you want then?
Larry: Um…uh….
Burns: What? Selling lightbulbs? Collecting for charity? Keen on Jesus? Out with it!

Homer: How ’bout it, Bart? Would you like a backyard BBQ pit?
Bart: Can I burn evidence in it?
Homer: We can all burn evidence in it.

Marge: What exactly is it your company does again?
Homer: Come on. This industry is moving so fast, it’s really hard to tell. That’s why I need a name that’s cutting edge, like Cutco, Edgecom… Interslice.

Rev. Lovejoy: This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants designed to take away the money of fools. Now, let’s say the Lord’s Prayer forty times, but first let’s pass the collection plate.

Homer: Let the bears pay the bear tax! I pay the Homer tax!
Lisa: That’s the home-owner’s tax.
Homer: Well anyway I’m still outraged.

Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
Bart: Uh-huh.
Man: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Nimoy: Surprise me.

Mo: Awww, ain’t that cute? Makes Little Debbie look like a pile of puke!

Madam: Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.

Mr. Burns: Who is this Homer Simpson?
Smithers: Actually, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, and his wife painted you in the nude.
Mr. Burns: Doesn’t ring a bell.

Homer: Apu, if it’ll make you feel any better, I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead!

Kent Brockman: Senator Dole, why should people vote for you instead of President Clinton?
Kodos (as Bob Dole): It makes no difference which one of us you vote for. Either way your planet is doomed….DOOMED!
Kent: Well, a refreshingly frank response there from Senator Bob Dole!

A dog like that you have to feed EVERY DAY.

Burns: Honestly, Smithers, I don’t even know why Harvard continues to show up. Why, they barely even won.

Marge: Is everything okay? I got worried when I didn’t hear any shots.

Milhouse: I can’t go on. You two go ahead. And carry me with you.

Marge: Now, how are we going to get my Homey back?
Willy: I’ll kidnap him for fifty, deprogram him for a hundred, and kill him for five hundred.
Marge: No, no, no. Just the first two.
Willy: Alright. I’ll throw in the killing for free.

Nelson: Ha ha!

Mulder: All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien.
Homer: Well, the evening began at the gentleman’s club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it’s a felony to lie to the F.B.I.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney’s car eating packets of mustard. You happy?