The Simpsons


Marge: There’s no shame in being a pariah.

Homer streaks through the kitchen
Patty: There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

Homer: The human wang is a beautiful thing.

Grandpa: I used to be with ‘it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary. It’ll happen to you!

Homer: Mmmm…64 slices of American Cheese. 63. 62….
the next morning
Marge: Homer, did you eat all that cheese?!?
Homer: I think I’m blind.

Sideshow Bob: Yes, I’m aware of the hypocrisy of appearing on television in order to decry it, so don’t bother pointing that out.

Apu: Mr. Simpson, get the hell outta my store. Please come again.

Kirk VanHouten: I sleep in a racecar. Do you sleep in a racecar?
Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.

Marge: It’s time we opened up a can of whoop tooshie on this situation.

Principal Skinner: Do you kids wanna be like the real U.N., or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?

Lisa: I’m an ugmo.
Homer: Now, that’s not true. You’re cute as a bug’s ear.
Lisa: Father’s have to say that little stuff.
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug’s ear?
Grandpa: No. You’re homely as a mule’s butt.
Homer: There. See?

Homer: Are you an angel?
Moe: Yes Homer, all us angels wear Farrah slacks.

Lisa: Dad, what’s a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it’s not quite a mop, it’s not quite a puppet, but man… (laughs hysterically) So to answer your question, I don’t know.

Comic Book Guy: Last night’s ‘Itchy and Scratchy Show’ was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Homer: I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T.

Grandpa: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.
P.S. I am not a crackpot.

Homer: Donuts … is there anything they can’t do?

Burns: Who was that young hellcat, Smithers?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
Burns: Simpson, eh? I’ll remember that name.

Kent: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: democracy simply-doesn’t-work.

Homer: I sure could go for a hot dog right about now.
Marge: Homer! This is a funeral!
Vendor: HOT DOGS!
Homer: WOO HOO!
Marge: Do you just follow my husband around everywhere?
Vendor: Lady, he’s putting my kids through college.

Marge: If you raise three children who can knock out and hog tie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.

Chief Wiggum: Good luck, Ralphie. If your nose starts bleeding, it means you’re picking it too much. Or not enough.

Milhouse: If you put dog doo on the suction cups, they’ll stick better.
Bart: Milhouse. I’m not going to take dog doo that’s been on the dirty ground, and put it on my face.

Milhouse: So this is what it’s like when doves cry….

Homer: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.