The Simpsons

Quotations

Homer: God bless those Pagans.

Dr. Nick: Now there are many options available for dangerously underweight individuals like yourself. I recommend a slow steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology.

Lisa: I’m impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.

Hutz: What? AHH!!….. I call for one of those bad court thingies!
Judge: You mean a mistrial?

Homer: Now I’ve had my head in an elephant, a hippo, and a giant sloth.

Kang (as Clinton): My fellow Americans, as a young boy I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say we must move forward, not backward! Upward, not forward! And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!!!

Homer: Stupid cats. With their fancy footwork and their crafty schemes to steal all my smelts!

Homer: Can I at least make you coffee Mr. Burns?
Burns: No! No thank you! Coffee’s already made! I stomped the beans myself! Hear that? The percolations are imminent!

Homer: Mel Brooks is Jewish?

Marge: Honey, I’m so glad you’re home.
Homer: Can’t talk. See Flanders. Later sex.

Mulder: What’s the point of this test, Scully?
Scully: No point, I just think he could stand to lose a little weight.
Mulder: His jiggling…is…almost hypnotic.
Scully: Yes…it’s like a lava lamp.

Bart: Don’t have a cow, man.

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.

Kent Brockman: Could this record-breaking heat wave be the result of the dreaded “Greenhouse Effect”? Well, if 70-degree days in the middle of winter are the “price” of car pollution, you’ll forgive me if I keep my old Pontiac.

Flanders: I’ve done everything the bible says. Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff.

Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Marge: Mmm… Yes, I do.
Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Homer: I’m pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I’ll just reach in and pull my legs out … now I’ll pull my arms out with my face.

Kang: It’s true! We are aliens! But what are you going to do about it? It’s a two party system! You have to vote for one of us!
Man in Crowd: Well, I’m just going to vote for a third party!
Kang: Go ahead! Throw your vote away!! HA HA HA HA!!!

Homer: Well, honey, what do you like? Tuba-ma-ba? Oba-ma-bo? That one? Saxa-ma-phone?

Burns: He’s a madman! I must reach Smithers! Now, how does this telephone machine work? I’ve seen others use it, let’s see S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. By jove it worked! It’s ringing!
Moe: Moe’s tavern.
Burns: I’d like to speak to a Mr. Smithers. First name, Waylen.
Moe: Ohhhh. First name “Waylen” hey? Listen, you, if I ever get my hands on you, I’m gonna shove sausages down your throat and hungry dogs up your butt. Then I’ll use your tounge to paint my boat!
Burns: Wahh!

Mr. Burns: Smithers, I want you to arrange a party for two at my estate. Marge, me, and do you think you could dig up Al Jolston?
Smithers: Uh, do you remember we did that once before?
Mr. Burns: Ah, that’s right. He’s dead. And rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I’d like to forget.

Bart: The Flanders’ are a bunch of geeks, man.
Homer: The Flanderseses are not geeks! Okay, Rod and Tod are, and the wife has a thing for me, but she hides it behind a mask of low-key hostility.

Homer: It’s like a friggin country bear jambaroo around here.

Principal Skinner: (over the intercom) Attention please, I need a volunteer for a thankless chore. Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson? Thank you, Lisa.

Marge: You aren’t even listening to me. You’re only hearing what you want to hear.
Homer: Thanks honey! I’d love a pork chop right about now!