Kent: Would you like to hear my award-winning secret? Try public interest stories, they target the heart and fog the mind.

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Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.

Kent Brockman: Could this record-breaking heat wave be the result of the dreaded “Greenhouse Effect”? Well, if 70-degree days in the middle of winter are the “price” of car pollution, you’ll forgive me if I keep my old Pontiac.

Flanders: I’ve done everything the bible says. Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff.

Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Marge: Mmm… Yes, I do.
Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Homer: I’m pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I’ll just reach in and pull my legs out … now I’ll pull my arms out with my face.