The Simpsons

Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Bailiff

Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common.

Barney

Ah, man! I’m only ten and I already have two mortal enemies!

Bart

I'm looking for a Mr. Jass. First name Hugh.

Bart

Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?

Bart

Please dad?

Bart

Well, I believe you dad.

Bart

What's everyone's problem? I'm glad we're stranded. It'll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing. We're gonna live like kings. Damn hell ass kings!

Bart

What the hell is this?

Bart

Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?

Burns

He's a madman! I must reach Smithers! Now, how does this telephone machine work? I've seen others use it, let's see S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. By jove it worked! It's ringing!

Burns

Honestly, Smithers, I don't even know why Harvard continues to show up. Why, they barely even won.

Burns

I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing there are too many fat children.

Burns

I know I should be resisting but I'm paralized with rage...and island rythms.

Burns

"You have 30 minutes to move your car", "You have 10 minutes","Your car has been impounded", "Your car has been crushed into a cube", "You have 30 minutes to move your cube".

Homer

Who was that young hellcat, Smithers?

Burns

You're not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.

Burns

Good luck, Ralphie. If your nose starts bleeding, it means you're picking it too much. Or not enough.

Chief Wiggum

No banging your head against the display case, please. It contains a rare copy of Mary Worth in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide.

Comic Book Guy

Oh loneliness and cheeseburgers are a deadly combination.

Comic Book Guy

Now there are many options available for dangerously underweight individuals like yourself. I recommend a slow steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology.

Dr. Nick

I've done everything the bible says. Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff.

Flanders

Oh no! Not today, not to Gil! I could feel that sale. I was in the zone!

Gil

Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.

Grandpa

Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

Grandpa

I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor.

Grandpa

I'm filled with piss n' vinegar! ... at first I was just filled with vinegar.

Grandpa

I used to be with 'it', but then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it' anymore and what's 'it' seems weird and scary.

Grandpa

Ow! Today's grass is much sharper than the grass in my day.

Grandpa

Pull your chair closer, my son.

Grandpa

Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! Ow. Oww! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!

Homer

(after shooting zombie Flanders in the head)Flanders was a zombie?!

Homer

A hundred bucks? For a comic book? Who drew it, Micha-ma-langelo?

Homer

Can I at least make you coffee Mr. Burns?

Homer

Could you open the window? The cops have daddy's prints on file.

Homer

Every time I learn something new, a little of the old gets pushed outta my brain, remember that time I took that wine making course and forgot how to drive?

Homer

God bless those Pagans.

Homer

Hello. My name is Mr. Burns.

Homer

Hmm. I guess Bart's not to blame. He's lucky, too, because it's spanking season, and I got a hankerin' for some spankerin'.

Homer

How 'bout it, Bart? Would you like a backyard BBQ pit?

Homer

I like my beers cold and my homosexuals flaming.

Homer

I love you, honey.

Homer

I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman.

Homer

I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out ... now I'll pull my arms out with my face.

Homer

It's like a friggin country bear jambaroo around here.

Homer

Listen to 'em. Watchin' my television. Sittin' on my couch. You better not be in my ass groove!

Homer

Marge, can we trade? I don't trust these guys.

Homer

Marge, we had a deal. Your sisters don't come here after six and I stop eating your lipstick.

Homer

Maybe for once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding 'You're making a scene'.

Homer

Mmmm...64 slices of American Cheese. 63. 62....

Homer

No beer and T.V. make Homer something something...

Homer

Homer:No beer and T.V. make Homer something something... Marge:Go crazy? Homer:Don't mind if I do!

Oh Lisa! You and your stories! Bart's a vampire! Beer kills brain cells! Now let's go back to that...building...thingie...where our beds and TV...is.

Homer

Oh no! Aliens! Bio-duplication! Nude consperesicies! Oh my God! Linden Lerouche was right!!

Homer

Oh, they have the internet on computers now!

Homer

OOoooo! Look at me Marge! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from happy land! In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic!

Homer

People die all the time, just like that. Why you could wake up dead tomorrow.....Well, goodnight!

Homer

Please, Marge. How often can I see a movie of this caliber on late night tv?

Homer

Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

Homer

Homer streaks through the kitchen Patty: There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

Patty

Stupid cats. With their fancy footwork and their crafty schemes to steal all my smelts!

Homer

To alcohol - the cause of, and solution to all of life's problems.

Homer

Trying is the first step towards failure.

Homer

Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that so called 'Volunteers' don't even get paid?

Homer

Well, honey, what do you like? Tuba-ma-ba? Oba-ma-bo? That one? Saxa-ma-phone?

Homer

When you’re an experienced woodsman, you get a feel for these things. It’s like a third sense.

Homer

Whoops. Sorry, son. I didn't know you, Jay Leno, and a monkey were bathing a clown.

Homer

Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!

Homer

Your suitcase is light.

Homer

What? AHH!!..... I call for one of those bad court thingies!

Hutz

A Noble Spirit Embiggens the Smallest Man.

Jebadiah Springfield

It's true! We are aliens! But what are you going to do about it? It's a two party system! You have to vote for one of us!

Kang

Police say the fake Pope can be easily recognized by his high-top sneakers and incredibly foul mouth.

Kent Brockman

Senator Dole, why should people vote for you instead of President Clinton?

Kent Brockman

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: democracy simply-doesn’t-work.

Kent

Lock your doors and bar your windows, because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family.

Kent

Would you like to hear my award-winning secrect? Try public interest stories, they target the heart and fog the mind.

Kent

Would you like to hear my award-winning secret? Try public interest stories, they target the heart and fog the mind.

Kent

Abortions for all!

Kodos

Ladies and gentleman of the jury! Who do you find more attractive, Mel Gibson or Tom Cruise?

Lawyer 1

Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film 'The Neverending Story'

Lionel Hutz

Dad, what's a Muppet?

Lisa

I'm an ugmo.

Lisa

I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.

Lisa

I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.

Lisa

I think it's ironic that it was dad's weight that allowed him to plug the hole, while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.

Lisa

It is better to remain silent and be thought the fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Lisa

They call it physical education, but it feels like gym to me.

Lisa

What's inside of you?

Lisa

Are you wearing a grocery bag?

Madam

Grandpa, are you sitting in the apple pie?

Marge

Grandpa, why are there only 49 stars on that flag?

Marge

Homer, is that my good butter?

Marge

How were you a political prisoner?

Marge

If you raise three children who can knock out and hog tie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.

Marge

I'll just have a coffee.

Marge

It's time we opened up a can of whoop tooshie on this situation.

Marge

Now, how are we going to get my Homey back?

Marge

Now you're overstimulated. Let's get some beer in you and then straight into bed!

Marge

There's going to be twice as much love in the house as there was before.

Marge

There's no shame in being a pariah.

Marge

Well, Ralph, you sound like a very imaginative little boy.

Marge

Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?

Mayor Quimby

I can’t go on. You two go ahead. And carry me with you.

Milhouse

If you put dog doo on the suction cups, they'll stick better.

Milhouse

Remember when he ate my goldfish, then you said I never had a goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl Bart? WHY DID I HAVE THE BOWL?!

Milhouse

Homer, What's wrong?

Mindy

Awww, ain't that cute? Makes Little Debbie look like a pile of puke!

Mo

If I ever get ahold of you I’m gonna rip your eyes out of their sockets and shove ’em down your pants so that you can watch me kick the crap outta you!

Moe

If this gets out, the next words you say will be muffled by your own butt.

Moe

The new fryer's here! I bought it used from the navy. You could flash-fry a buffallo in 40 seconds in that baby.

Moe

You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. we're all pigs... once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off, and act like human beings.

Mo

Ketchup. Catsup. Ketchup. Catsup. I'm in over my head.

Mr. Burns

Smithers, I want you to arrange a party for two at my estate. Marge, me, and do you think you could dig up Al Jolston?

Mr. Burns

Well Smithers, another Friday night is upon us, What will you be doing? Something gay no doubt?

Mr. Burns

All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien.

Mulder

What's the point of this test, Scully?

Mulder

This is one small step to firing your ass!

Neil Armstong

Hey, Millhouse, I heard your parents are getting divorced.

Nelson

Society Blows.

Nelson

Come on, Bart. We don't want to over stimulate these people. They just had pudding.

Nursing home nurse

Oh Mindy Oh Mindy, You came and you gave without flaking, But I sent you Ben-gay, Oh Andy, You kissed me and stopped me from something…

Oh Mindy, You came and you gave without flaking, But I sent you Ben-gay, Oh Andy, You kissed me and stopped me from something...

Homer Simpson

Alright, Martin. For your community service, you'll be setting up a midnight basketball program for inner city street gangs.

Principal Skinner

Do you kids wanna be like the real U.N., or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?

Principal Skinner

Milhouse? Do you like the beach?

Principal Skinner

Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look.

Shelbyville man

Yes, I'm aware of the hypocrisy of appearing on television in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.

Sideshow Bob

His brand of gum- Doublemint. Trying to double your fun, eh, Bart? Well, I’ll double your detention. I wish someone was around to hear that.

Skinner

Uh oh, two independent thought alarms in one day. The children are overstimulated. Willie remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.

Skinner

If Mr. Burns wants to see a stranger he will look at him through a high-powered telescope.

Smithers

How come when I heard the word ‘school’ followed by the word ‘exploded’ I immediately thought of the word SKINNER!?

Superintendant Chalmers

When I was 17, I drank some very good beer. I drank some very good beer, I purchased with a fake I.D. My name was Brian McGee. I stayed up listening to Queen. When I was 17.

Homer Simpson