Homer: Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that so called ‘Volunteers’ don’t even get paid?
Homer: Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I’m tired of making other people feel good about themselves.
Lisa: It is better to remain silent and be thought the fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Homer’s Brain: Uh-oh, what did that mean? Better say something or they’ll think you’re stupid.
Homer: Takes one to know one!
Homer’s Brain: Swish!
Shelbyville man: Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look.
Homer: Stupider like a fox!
Rex Banner: Are you the “Beer Baron”?
Ned Flanders: If you’re talking about root beer, I plead guil-diddly-ilty as char-diddly arged.
Rex Banner: He’s not the “Beer Baron” but he sounds drunk. Book ’em boys!
Bart: Well, I believe you dad.
Homer: You do? Why?
Bart: Well, it’s just that you seem so damned sure.
Homer: Thanks, boy. And do you think you could cut out the casual swearing?
Bart: Hell yes.
Homer: That’s my boy!
Mr. Burns: Ketchup. Catsup. Ketchup. Catsup. I’m in over my head.
Bart: What do you need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.
Homer: Well, maybe if he’d had better arch support, they wouldn’t have caught him.
Grandpa: I haven’t felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor.
Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!
Homer: I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum!
Homer: Oh, they have the internet on computers now!
Marge: I’ll just have a coffee.
Australian Bartender: Beer it is.
Marge: No, Cof-fee.
Marge: Coffee. C-O-…
Dr. Nick: Oh no! You need booze!
Grandpa: I’m filled with piss n’ vinegar! … at first I was just filled with vinegar.
Homer: Your suitcase is light.
Lisa: Maybe you’re getting stronger.
Homer: Well, I have been eating more.
Marge: Homer, is that my good butter?
Homer: Quiet Marge! I’m trying to work. And now to write another delicious memo. Mmmmmmmmm…memo.
Mayor Quimby: Can’t we have one meeting that doesn’t end with us digging up a corpse?
Homer: Whoops. Sorry, son. I didn’t know you, Jay Leno, and a monkey were bathing a clown.
Marge: The monkey’s on my part of the sofa.
Homer: Honey, he’s clearly marked his territory.
Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Homer: See, I got this friend named… Joey Jo Jo… Junior… Shabadoo.
Moe: That’s the worst name I ever heard.
(Joey runs out of the bar sobbing)
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!
Lisa: I still believe in protecting animal’s rights, but that still doesn’t excuse what I did. I’m sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.
Homer: That’s okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.
Homer: Marge, we had a deal. Your sisters don’t come here after six and I stop eating your lipstick.
Homer: People die all the time, just like that. Why you could wake up dead tomorrow…..Well, goodnight!