The Simpsons


Homer: People die all the time, just like that. Why you could wake up dead tomorrow…..Well, goodnight!

Lisa: They call it physical education, but it feels like gym to me.

Lisa: No thanks. Do you have anything with fruit?
Homer: This has got purple stuff in it. Purple’s a fruit.

Grandpa: Pull your chair closer, my son.
Homer: What is it, Dad?
Grandpa: Peeyoo! Not that close! Sheesh.

Grandpa: I’m going to the outhouse.
Lisa: We don’t have an outhouse.
Homer: My toolshed!!!

Nelson: Hey, Millhouse, I heard your parents are getting divorced.
Millhouse: Aren’t you going to point and me and say ‘ha ha’?
Nelson: Nah. My dad left my mom when she got hooked on breath mints. In the end, her breath was so fresh, she wasn’t really my mother anymore, you know?
Millhouse: So what you’re saying is that I’ll be ok?
Kierny: You’ll be fine. My divorce was tough but we got through it.
Kierny’s son: I sleep in a drawer.

Marge: There’s going to be twice as much love in the house as there was before.
Homer: We’re going to start doing it in the morning?

Homer: Hmm. I guess Bart’s not to blame. He’s lucky, too, because it’s spanking season, and I got a hankerin’ for some spankerin’.

Willy: I gotta finish him off while I’m still temporarily insane.

Milhouse: Remember when he ate my goldfish, then you said I never had a goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl Bart? WHY DID I HAVE THE BOWL?!

Marge: There’s no shame in being a pariah.

Homer streaks through the kitchen
Patty: There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

Homer: The human wang is a beautiful thing.

Grandpa: I used to be with ‘it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary. It’ll happen to you!

Homer: Mmmm…64 slices of American Cheese. 63. 62….
the next morning
Marge: Homer, did you eat all that cheese?!?
Homer: I think I’m blind.

Sideshow Bob: Yes, I’m aware of the hypocrisy of appearing on television in order to decry it, so don’t bother pointing that out.

Apu: Mr. Simpson, get the hell outta my store. Please come again.

Kirk VanHouten: I sleep in a racecar. Do you sleep in a racecar?
Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.

Marge: It’s time we opened up a can of whoop tooshie on this situation.

Principal Skinner: Do you kids wanna be like the real U.N., or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?

Lisa: I’m an ugmo.
Homer: Now, that’s not true. You’re cute as a bug’s ear.
Lisa: Father’s have to say that little stuff.
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug’s ear?
Grandpa: No. You’re homely as a mule’s butt.
Homer: There. See?

Homer: Are you an angel?
Moe: Yes Homer, all us angels wear Farrah slacks.

Lisa: Dad, what’s a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it’s not quite a mop, it’s not quite a puppet, but man… (laughs hysterically) So to answer your question, I don’t know.

Comic Book Guy: Last night’s ‘Itchy and Scratchy Show’ was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Homer: I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T.