Grandpa: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.
P.S. I am not a crackpot.
Homer: Donuts … is there anything they can’t do?
Burns: Who was that young hellcat, Smithers?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
Burns: Simpson, eh? I’ll remember that name.
Kent: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: democracy simply-doesn’t-work.
Homer: I sure could go for a hot dog right about now.
Marge: Homer! This is a funeral!
Vendor: HOT DOGS!
Homer: WOO HOO!
Marge: Do you just follow my husband around everywhere?
Vendor: Lady, he’s putting my kids through college.
Marge: If you raise three children who can knock out and hog tie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.
Chief Wiggum: Good luck, Ralphie. If your nose starts bleeding, it means you’re picking it too much. Or not enough.
Milhouse: If you put dog doo on the suction cups, they’ll stick better.
Bart: Milhouse. I’m not going to take dog doo that’s been on the dirty ground, and put it on my face.
Milhouse: So this is what it’s like when doves cry….
Homer: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
Wiggum: Okay, folks, show’s over. Nothing to see here, show’s… Oh my God! A horrible plane crash! Hey, everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! Come on, crowd around, crowd around! Don’t be shy, crowd around!
Homer: Every time I learn something new, a little of the old gets pushed out of my brain. Remember that time I took that wine making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: You were drunk!
Homer: And how.
Jebadiah Springfield: A Noble Spirit Embiggens the Smallest Man.
Homer: Can’t talk … eating.
Burns: You’re not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.
Kent: Would you like to hear my award-winning secret? Try public interest stories, they target the heart and fog the mind.
Smithers: If Mr. Burns wants to see a stranger he will look at him through a high-powered telescope.
Burns: Smithers, what’s going on? How dare you interrupt my lime ricky?!
Homer: Why won’t you be art?!
Bart: What’s everyone’s problem? I’m glad we’re stranded. It’ll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing. We’re gonna live like kings. Damn hell ass kings!
Homer: Could you open the window? The cops have daddy’s prints on file.
Kent Brockman: Police say the fake Pope can be easily recognized by his high-top sneakers and incredibly foul mouth.
Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer Simpson: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
Skinner: Oh, you think this stolen ‘H’ is a laugh riot, don’t you? Well, I’ll tell you something that’s not so funny: right now Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl! Well, I guess that is a little funny.
Neil Armstong: This is one small step to firing your ass!
Mr. Burns: Well Smithers, another Friday night is upon us, What will you be doing? Something gay no doubt?
Smithers: Wha…? I…
Mr. Burns: You know, mothers lock up your daughters, Smithers is on the town!
Smithers: Eh, eh, eh, exactly sir.