Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.
Kent Brockman: Could this record-breaking heat wave be the result of the dreaded “Greenhouse Effect”? Well, if 70-degree days in the middle of winter are the “price” of car pollution, you’ll forgive me if I keep my old Pontiac.
Flanders: I’ve done everything the bible says. Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff.
Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Marge: Mmm… Yes, I do.
Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.
Homer: I’m pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I’ll just reach in and pull my legs out … now I’ll pull my arms out with my face.
Kang: It’s true! We are aliens! But what are you going to do about it? It’s a two party system! You have to vote for one of us!
Man in Crowd: Well, I’m just going to vote for a third party!
Kang: Go ahead! Throw your vote away!! HA HA HA HA!!!
Homer: Well, honey, what do you like? Tuba-ma-ba? Oba-ma-bo? That one? Saxa-ma-phone?
Burns: He’s a madman! I must reach Smithers! Now, how does this telephone machine work? I’ve seen others use it, let’s see S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. By jove it worked! It’s ringing!
Moe: Moe’s tavern.
Burns: I’d like to speak to a Mr. Smithers. First name, Waylen.
Moe: Ohhhh. First name “Waylen” hey? Listen, you, if I ever get my hands on you, I’m gonna shove sausages down your throat and hungry dogs up your butt. Then I’ll use your tounge to paint my boat!
Mr. Burns: Smithers, I want you to arrange a party for two at my estate. Marge, me, and do you think you could dig up Al Jolston?
Smithers: Uh, do you remember we did that once before?
Mr. Burns: Ah, that’s right. He’s dead. And rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I’d like to forget.
Bart: The Flanders’ are a bunch of geeks, man.
Homer: The Flanderseses are not geeks! Okay, Rod and Tod are, and the wife has a thing for me, but she hides it behind a mask of low-key hostility.
Homer: It’s like a friggin country bear jambaroo around here.
Principal Skinner: (over the intercom) Attention please, I need a volunteer for a thankless chore. Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson? Thank you, Lisa.
Marge: You aren’t even listening to me. You’re only hearing what you want to hear.
Homer: Thanks honey! I’d love a pork chop right about now!
Marge: Now you’re overstimulated. Let’s get some beer in you and then straight into bed!
Homer: WOO HOO! Beer beer beer! Bed bed bed!!!
Bart: I’m looking for a Mr. Jass. First name Hugh.
Mo: Hang on, lemmie check. Is there a Hugh Jass here? I’m looking for a Hugh Jass!
Hugh: I’m Hugh Jass.
Mo: Phone for ya.
Hugh: Hello? I’m Hugh Jass.
Bart: Um…I’m gonna’ be straight with you Mister, this is just a prank call that went horribly wrong.
Hugh: Oh, ok then. Have a nice night. (hangs up) What a nice young man.
Lawyer 1: Ladies and gentleman of the jury, who do you find more attractive, Mel Gibson or Tom Cruise?
Judge: What is the point of all this?
Lawyer 1: Your Honor, I am so confident in Marge Simpson’s guilt that I am willing to waste the jury’s time with ratings of the superhunks!
Hutz: Oooh, he’s gonna win!
Marge: Mr. Hutz!
Bart: What the hell is this?
Lisa: It’s one of those campy ’70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation Xers.
Bart: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.
Jasper: Uh, who shot who in the what now?
Homer: A hundred bucks? For a comic book? Who drew it, Micha-ma-langelo?
Moe: If I ever get ahold of you I’m gonna rip your eyes out of their sockets and shove ’em down your pants so that you can watch me kick the crap outta you!
Mr. Burns: Homer, I want you to show this woman the time of her life.
Homer: Gotcha. Marge, we’re getting some drive-thru, then we’re doing it twice.
Homer: I love you, honey.
Marge: Are you talking to me or the beer?
Homer: To you my bubbly, longnecked, beechwood aged lover.
Groundskeeper Willie: Lunchlady Doris, have ye got any grease?
Lunchlady Doris: Yes, Yes we do.
Willie: Then grease me up woman.
The Stonecutter’s Song
Who controls the British Crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do. We do.
Who keeps Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps martians under wraps?
We do. We do.
Who holds back the electric car?
Who made Steve Guttenberg a STAR?
We do. We do.
Who robs cavefish of their sight?
Who riggs every Oscar night?
Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Homer: Gotta go, Mo. My idiot kids are listening.
Bart & Lisa: HEY!!