Lisa: If everyone thought you should jump off a bridge, would you?
Dave: If everyone around here thought I should jump off a bridge, they’d probably just get together and push me.

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Dave Nelson: Look, it’s only a birthday present! It just means I’m glad you didn’t die partway through the year.

Joe: You can’t take something off the Internet. It’s like taking pee out of a swimming pool.

Dave: Mr. James, I didn’t see you come in.
Jimmy: Yeah, I like it that way. Like that magician…
Dave: David Copperfield?
Jimmy: No.
Dave: Siegfried?
Jimmy: No.
Dave: Roy?
Jimmy: That’s the one.

Jimmy: You poor misguided Canadian bastard.

Lisa: Just because you end a relationship with somebody doesn’t mean you cut them out of your life.
Dave: Oh really? Isn’t that actually the definition of ending a relationship?