Categories
Broadcast News

They told me they’d keep me because they could plug me into any story and my salary was in line.

Aaron: They told me they’d keep me because they could plug me into any story and my salary was in line.
Ernie: The cost-efficient reporter.
Aaron: So I quit.

Categories
Broadcast News

I’m just old enough to be flattered by the term “early retirement.”

Employee: You know, I’m just old enough to be flattered by the term “early retirement.”
Paul: That’s wonderful. What a lovely line. Now, if there’s anything I can do for you…
Employee: Well, I certainly hope you’ll die soon.

Categories
Broadcast News

Okay, that’s your opinion.

Paul: Okay, that’s your opinion.
Jane: It’s not opinion.
Paul: You’re just absolutely right, and I’m absolutely wrong. It must be nice to always believe you know better, to always think you’re the smartest person in the room.
Jane: No, it’s awful.

Categories
Broadcast News

What do you do when your real life exceeds your dreams?

Tom: What do you do when your real life exceeds your dreams?
Aaron: Keep it to yourself.

Categories
Broadcast News

Except for socially, you’re my role model.

Blair Litton: Except for socially, you’re my role model.

Categories
Broadcast News

Come on, no one’s going to be taken in by a guy with a long red pointy tail. Come on, what’s he going to sound like?…I’m semi serious here. He will be attractive, he’ll be nice, and helpful, he’ll get a job where he influences a great God fearing nation. He’ll never do an evil thing, he’ll never deliberately hurt a living thing – he’ll just bit by little bit lower our standards where they’re important. Just a tiny little bit. Just coax along flash over substance. Just a tiny little bit. And he’ll talk about all of us really being salesman. And he’ll get all the great women.

Aaron: Come on, no one’s going to be taken in by a guy with a long red pointy tail. Come on, what’s he going to sound like?…I’m semi serious here. He will be attractive, he’ll be nice, and helpful, he’ll get a job where he influences a great God fearing nation. He’ll never do an evil thing, he’ll never deliberately hurt a living thing – he’ll just bit by little bit lower our standards where they’re important. Just a tiny little bit. Just coax along flash over substance. Just a tiny little bit. And he’ll talk about all of us really being salesman. And he’ll get all the great women.

Categories
Broadcast News

Oh, you think anyone who’s proud of the work we do is an ass-kisser.

Blair Litton: Oh, you think anyone who’s proud of the work we do is an ass-kisser.
Aaron Altman: No, I think anyone who puckers up their lips and presses it against their bosses buttocks and then smooches is an ass-kisser.
Blair Litton: My gosh…and for a while there I was attracted to you.
Aaron Altman: Well, wait a minute, that changes everything!

Categories
Broadcast News

I think we have the kind of friendship were if I were the devil, you’d be the only one I would tell.

Aaron: I think we have the kind of friendship were if I were the devil, you’d be the only one I would tell.

Categories
Broadcast News

It’s not that I’m down on myself. Trust me. I stink.

Tom Granick: It’s not that I’m down on myself. Trust me. I stink.

Categories
Broadcast News

At some point things got so bad it just became funny.

Aaron: At some point things got so bad it just became funny.

Categories
Broadcast News

And in the middle of all this, I started to think about the one thing that makes me feel really good and makes immediate sense…and it’s you.

Aaron Altman: And in the middle of all this, I started to think about the one thing that makes me feel really good and makes immediate sense…and it’s you.
Jane Craig: Oh, Bubba.
Aaron Altman: I’m going to stop right now. Except that I would give anything if you were two people, so that I could call up the one who’s my friend and tell her about the one that I like so much.

Categories
Broadcast News

Let’s never forget, we’re the real story, not them.

Aaron Altman: Let’s never forget, we’re the real story, not them.

Categories
Broadcast News

Wouldn’t this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If needy were a turn on?

Aaron Altman: Wouldn’t this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If needy were a turn on?

Categories
Broadcast News

I can sing while I read, I am singing and reading – both!

Aaron Altman: I can sing while I read, I am singing and reading – both!

Categories
Broadcast News

And if things had gone differently for me tonight then I probably wouldn’t be saying any of this. I grant you everything. But give me this

Aaron Altman: And if things had gone differently for me tonight then I probably wouldn’t be saying any of this. I grant you everything. But give me this: he personifies everything that you’ve been fighting against. And I’m in love with you. How do you like that? I buried the lead.

Categories
Broadcast News

Go ahead Steven, take your last licks. But this will heal. What I’m going to say never will. It’ll scar you forever. Ready? Here it is. You’ll never make more than $19,000 a year. Ha ha ha!

Aaron: Go ahead Steven, take your last licks. But this will heal. What I’m going to say never will. It’ll scar you forever. Ready? Here it is. You’ll never make more than $19,000 a year. Ha ha ha!
Steven: Take him.
Aaron: Okay, how about this? You’re never gonna leave South Boston and I’m gonna see the whole damn world. You’ll never know the pleasure of writing a priceless sentence. Or having an original thought. Think about it!
Steven: $19,000. Not bad!

Categories
Broadcast News

You’ve got to turn on your television right now. Arnold Schwarzenegger is on The Today Show, Good Morning America and the morning news – I think he’s live on two of them.

Aaron: You’ve got to turn on your television right now. Arnold Schwarzenegger is on The Today Show, Good Morning America and the morning news – I think he’s live on two of them.

Categories
Broadcast News

I have passed some line some place. I am beginning to repel people I am trying to seduce.

Jane: I have passed some line some place. I am beginning to repel people I am trying to seduce.
Aaron: He must been great looking, right?
Jane: Why do you say that?
Aaron: Because nobody invites a bad looking idiot to their bedroom.

Categories
Broadcast News

This conversation is not worthy of you!

Jane: This conversation is not worthy of you!
Aaron: I’d give anything if that were true.

Categories
Broadcast News

Hey, if anything happens to me, you tell every woman I’ve ever gone out with that I was talking about her at the end. That way they’ll have to re-evaluate me.

Aaron: Hey, if anything happens to me, you tell every woman I’ve ever gone out with that I was talking about her at the end. That way they’ll have to re-evaluate me.

Categories
Broadcast News

I just risked my life for a network that tests my face with focus groups. I don’t feel good.

Aaron: I just risked my life for a network that tests my face with focus groups. I don’t feel good.