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Happy Gilmore

You like THAT old man? You want a piece of ME?

Happy Gilmore: You like THAT old man? You want a piece of ME?
Bob Barker: I don’t want a PIECE of you, I want the whole THING!

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Happy Gilmore

Don’t turn your back on me. Let’s get one thing straight, this is Shooter’s tour. I’ve worked hard my whole life, paid my dues, and now it’s Shooter’s turn. And Shooter’s not about to let his reign at the top be spoiled by some freak, sideshow, clown.

Shooter: Don’t turn your back on me. Let’s get one thing straight, this is Shooter’s tour. I’ve worked hard my whole life, paid my dues, and now it’s Shooter’s turn. And Shooter’s not about to let his reign at the top be spoiled by some freak, sideshow, clown.
Happy: Did you just call me a freak? I was on this tour for one reason: money. But, now I got a new reason: kickin’ your ass!
Shooter: Well, I’d like to see you try.
Happy: Let’s do it then!
(bottle breaks)
Shooter: My G-. I meant on a golf course.
Virginia: Hey! Hey, what is going on here, huh?
Happy: Oh, I was just, um… lookin’ for the other half of this bottle. An’ uh, oh there’s some of it right, there’s some right there, too.
Virginia: Why don’t you just put it down.
Happy: Yeah, I know.

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Happy Gilmore

You better stay away, or you’re gonna pay. Listen to what I say.

Shooter: You better stay away, or you’re gonna pay. Listen to what I say.
Happy: Why don’t we go down to the bay, we could eat some hay, make things out of clay, what do you say? I just may!

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Happy Gilmore

So you wanna go grab something to eat?

Happy: So you wanna go grab something to eat?
Virginia: Sorry, I don’t date golfers.
Happy: Well, that’s good cause I’m a hockey player.

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Happy Gilmore

Golfing requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor, the accountant – huge ass.

Happy: Golfing requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor, the accountant – huge ass.

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Happy Gilmore

If I saw myself in clothes like that…I’d have to kick my own ass.

Happy: If I saw myself in clothes like that…I’d have to kick my own ass.

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Happy Gilmore

I was supposed to be on that tour.

Chubs: I was supposed to be on that tour.
Happy: Well, what happened?
Chubs: They wouldn’t let me play!
Happy: Aw, I’m sorry man…cause you’re black?
Chubs: Hell no. Damn alligator bit my hand off.

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Happy Gilmore

Could I trouble you for a glass of warm milk? It helps me get to sleep.

Grandma: Could I trouble you for a glass of warm milk? It helps me get to sleep.
Nursing Home Attendant: You could trouble me for a warm glass of shut the hell up!

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Happy Gilmore

Step up, ladies and gentlemen, come see if you can out drive the golf ball…uhh…whacker guy.

Happy: Step up, ladies and gentlemen, come see if you can out drive the golf ball…uhh…whacker guy.

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Happy Gilmore

You gotta rise above it, you gotta harvest the good energy and block out the bad. Harvest energy, block bad. Feel the flow, feel it, it’s circular. Its like a carousel. You pay the quarter, you get on the horse, and you go up and down and around…in a circular circle with the music, the flow, all good things.

Gary Potter: You gotta rise above it, you gotta harvest the good energy and block out the bad. Harvest energy, block bad. Feel the flow, feel it, it’s circular. Its like a carousel. You pay the quarter, you get on the horse, and you go up and down and around…in a circular circle with the music, the flow, all good things.
Happy: Yeah, yeah. Well, nice to meet you, but I gotta go golf…psycho.

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Happy Gilmore

Do you always carry a puck around?

Virginia: Do you always carry a puck around?
Happy: …Yes.

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Happy Gilmore

Are you too good for your home? Answer me!

Happy: Are you too good for your home? Answer me!

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Happy Gilmore

You’re gonna die clown!

Happy: You’re gonna die clown!

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Happy Gilmore

During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records

Happy Gilmore: During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.

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Happy Gilmore

Where you goin with those clubs, punk?

Happy: Where you goin with those clubs, punk?

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Happy Gilmore

I thought we were just going to be friends.

Virginia: I thought we were just going to be friends.
Happy Gilmore: What? Friends listen to Endless Love in the dark.