Leslie Knope: I mean, that’s why people respect Hillary Clinton so much, because nobody takes a punch like her. She’s the strongest, smartest punching bag in the world.
Mallory: I feel like there aren’t a lot of surprises for me down the road. You know, my kids will grow up, they’ll move away, I’ll become a grandmother, I’ll get my face done, my grandkids will graduate from college, I’ll get my face redone, and then I’ll die.
Bree: I mean, that’s silly. We’ll all be dead from loose nukes long before most of that stuff happens.
Mallory: You think?
Jess: You’re such a tonkel!
Winston: Whoa, hold it! Don’t nobody call me a tonkel.
Cece: Spencer cheated on you because he’s a total jerk, not ’cause you’re bad in bed.
Jess: It’s been six years. Everything I know about sex, I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trial.
Vern Thurman: You’ll make a good chief one day.
Molly Solverson: Me? What about Bill? He’s got seniority.
Vern Thurman: Bill cleans his gun with bubble bath. No, it’ll be you.
Jess: I brake for birds. I rock a lot of polka dots. I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours. I spend my entire day talking to children. And I find it fundamentally strange that you’re not a dessert person. That’s just weird, and it freaks me out. And I’m sorry I don’t talk like Murphy Brown. And I hate your pantsuit. I wish it had ribbons on it or something to make it just slightly cuter. And that doesn’t mean I’m not smart and tough and strong.
Lou Solverson: So I got two kinds of sandwiches, tuna and turkey. Tuna’s for the fish. Unless you think they’d think that’s cannibalism.
Postal Worker: This is highly irregular.
Lorne Malvo: No, highly irregular is the time I found a human foot in a toaster oven. This is just odd.
Rainbow: Breaking down barriers: equally important to money. But just so that I’m clear, there is a salary increase, right?
Lorne Malvo: Mister, we’re not friends. I mean, maybe we will be someday. But I gotta say, if that were me in your position? I would have killed that man.
Nick: Uh, Jess, this is Caroline.
Jess: One more time. Cara-lee?
Caroline: Uh, Caroline.
Jess: Caraloo? Coraline?
Jess: Oh, okay. Fancy.
Nick: Do you guys think I have anger issues?
Schmidt: Well I wouldn’t exactly call it an issue. An issue is something you can fix.
Winston: Here’s what I was thinking, okay? If we wanna win this concert, we play something cool, like “Eye of the Tiger.”
Bianca: What’s “Eye of the Tiger”?
Winston: “Eye of the Tiger” is the greatest song ever written. It’s so cool, it ended the Cold War.
Jess: That’s not even a little bit true.
Nick: That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess!
Schmidt: I’m really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, “Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?”
Dre: “Andy”? That’s not even close to “Andre”.
Junior: I think it says I’m edgy but approachable.
Dre: I think it says, “I hate my father and I play field hockey”.
Lorne Malvo: Let me tell you what’s gonna happen, Officer Grimly. I’m going to roll my window up, then I’m going to drive away, and you’re gonna go home to your daughter, and every few years, you’re gonna look at her face and know that you’re alive because you chose not to go down a certain road on a certain night. That you chose to walk into the light instead of into the darkness.
Lorne Malvo: Evening, Officer.
Gus Grimly: Evening. License and registration, please.
Lorne Malvo: We could do it that way. You ask me for my papers. I tell you it’s not my car, that I borrowed it. See where things go from there. We could do that. Or you could go get in your car and drive away.
Gus Grimly: Now, why would I do that?
Lorne Malvo: Because some roads you shouldn’t go down. Because maps used to say, “there be dragons here.” Now they don’t. But that don’t mean the dragons aren’t there.
Betsy: Goodnight, Mr. Solverson.
Lou: Goodnight, Mrs. Solverson. And all the ships at sea.
Don Draper: Advertising is based on one thing: happiness. And do you know what happiness is? Happiness is the smell of a new car. It’s freedom from fear. It’s a billboard on the side of a road that screams with reassurance that whatever you’re doing is OK. You are OK.
McNulty: Let me understand. Every Friday night, you and your boys are shootin crap, right? And every Friday night, your pal Snot Boogie… he’d wait till there’s cash on the ground and he’d grab it and run away? You let him do that?
Kid: We’d catch him and beat his ass but ain’t nobody ever go past that.
McNulty: I’ve gotta ask you: if every time Snot Boogie would grab the money and run away… why’d you even let him in the game?
McNulty: Well, if every time, Snot Boogie stole the money, why’d you let him play?
Kid: Got to. It’s America, man.
Sherlock Holmes: Try not to start a war before I get home – you know what it does to the traffic.
Alex Dunphy: Could you L a little less OL?
Dexter Morgan: I chose Rita because she is, in her own way, as damaged as me.
Dexter Morgan: The problem with eating and driving, which I love to do, is not being able to have my hands on the wheel at the 10 and 2 position. It’s a matter of public safety.
Pete Campbell: A man like you I’d follow into combat blindfolded, and I wouldn’t be the first. Am I right, buddy?
Don Draper: Let’s take it a little slower. I don’t want to wake up pregnant.