Sherlock Holmes: Try not to start a war before I get home – you know what it does to the traffic.
Watson: Do people usually assume you’re the murderer?
Holmes: Now and then, yes.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh what now? I’m in shock! Look, I’ve got a blanket.
Watson: What am I doing here?
Holmes: Helping me make a point.
Watson: I’m supposed to be helping you pay the rent.
Holmes: Yeah, well, this is more fun.
Watson: Fun? There’s a woman lying dead.
Holmes: Perfectly sound analysis but I was hoping you’d go deeper.
Watson: That was amazing.
Holmes: You think so?
Watson: Of course it was. It was extraordinary. It was quite extraordinary.
Holmes: That’s not what people normally say.
Watson: What do people normally say?
Holmes: “Piss off.”
Sherlock Holmes: You’ve murdered four people.
Jeff: I’ve outlived four people. That’s the most fun you can have with an aneurysm.
Watson: A place like this must be expensive.
Holmes: Not really. I know the landlady, Mrs. Hudson. She owes me a favor. A few years back, her husband was sentenced to death in Florida. I was able to help out.
Watson: You stopped her husband from being executed?
Holmes: Oh, no, I ensured it.
Holmes: Why have I got this blanket? They keep putting this blanket on me.
Lestrade: Yeah, it’s for shock.
Holmes: I’m not in shock.
Lestrade: Yeah, but some of the guys want to take photographs.
Mycroft: Bravery is by far the kindest word for stupidity, don’t you think?
Anderson: Never mind that, we found the case! According to “someone,” the murderer has the case, and here we found it, in the hands of our favorite psychopath.
Sherlock Holmes: I’m not a psychopath, Anderson, I’m a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.
Sherlock Holmes: Shut up.
Lestrade: I didn’t say anything.
Sherlock Holmes: You were thinking. It’s annoying.
Stamford: Last thing I heard you were overseas being shot at. So what happened?
Watson: I got shot.
Holmes: They’re killings, serial killings! We’ve got a serial killer on our hands. I love those, there’s always something to look forward to.
Watson: Why didn’t I think of that?
Holmes: Because you’re an idiot. No, no, no, don’t be like that, practically everyone is.
Lestrade: It’s a drugs bust.
Watson: Seriously. This guy, a junkie? Have you met him?
Watson: I’m pretty sure you could search this flat all day and you wouldn’t find anything that you could call recreational.
Holmes: What’s wrong?
Watson: I just met a friend of yours.
Holmes: A friend?
Watson: An enemy.
Holmes: Oh. Which one?
Watson: Your arch enemy. According to him.
Holmes: Oh. Did he offer you money to spy on me?
Holmes: Did you take it?
Holmes: Pity, we could’ve split the fee. Think it over next time.
Holmes: You’re a doctor. In fact, you’re an army doctor.
Holmes: Any good?
Watson: Very good.
Holmes: Seen a lot of injuries, then? Violent deaths?
Holmes: Bit of trouble, too, I bet.
Watson: Of course, yes. Enough for a lifetime… far too much.
Holmes: Want to see some more?
Watson: Oh, God yes.
Watson: Have you talked to the police?
Holmes: Four people are dead. There’s no time to talk to the police.
Watson: So why are you talking to me?
Holmes: Mrs. Hudson took my skull.
Watson: So I’m basically filling in for the skull?
Holmes: Relax, you’re doing fine.
Sherlock Holmes: Look at you lot, you’re all so vacant. Is it nice not being me? It must be so relaxing.
Watson: People don’t have archenemies.
Watson: In real life. People don’t have archenemies.
Holmes: That sounds a bit dull. So what do people have in their real lives?
Watson: Friends, people they like, people they don’t like, boyfriends, girlfriends.
Holmes: Like I said, dull.
Mycroft: You’re under stress right now and your hand is perfectly steady. You’re not haunted by the war, Dr. Watson. You miss it.
Watson: We can’t giggle, it’s a crime scene. Stop it.
Holmes: You’re the one who shot him.
Mycroft: You don’t seem very afraid.
Watson: You don’t seem very frightening.
Watson: What are you doing?
Holmes: Nicotine patch. Helps me think. It’s impossible to sustain a smoking habit in London these days.
Watson: That’s good news for breathing.
Holmes: Ah, breathing. Breathing’s boring.
Watson: Is that three patches?
Holmes: It’s a three-patch problem.
Watson: You don’t have a girlfriend then?
Holmes: Girlfriend? No, not really my area.
Watson: Alright… Do you have a boyfriend? Which is fine, by the way.
Holmes: I know it’s fine.
Watson: So you got a boyfriend?