Michael: I don’t understand… you want to see other people? Only other people?
Jan: Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?
Michael: No. No, that would not be efficient… Actually, they just don’t get a lot of work done when I’m not here… That’s not true. I know how to delegate. And they do more work when I’m not here… Not more… the same amount of work is done whether I am here or not.
I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran. Killed twenty men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father… battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
Michael: Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I’ve heard “women and children first”. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.
Dwight: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years, and we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like… Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like… Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in the head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Toby: Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking me about human anatomy. I’m just sad the public school system failed him so badly.
Michael: Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include “That’s what she said?”
Michael: Mmm hmm, yes.
Jim: Wow. That is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so…
Michael: That’s what she said!
Michael: A lot of the people here don’t get trophies very often, like Meredith or Kevin, I mean who’s going to give Kevin an award, Dunkin’ Donuts? Plus, bonus, it’s really really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he’ll tell his neighbor, “Hey, did you get an award?” And the neighbor will say, “No man. I mean I slave all day and nobody notices me.” Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from the neighbor’s house. Neighbor’s hanged himself, due to lack of recognition.
Dwight: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm… sometimes teenagers use it for sex.
Roy: Hey Jimmy, what do you think about purse girl?
Jim: Cute, sure.
Roy: Why don’t you get on that?
Jim: She’s not really my type.
Roy: What are you, gay?
Jim: Mmm… I don’t think so, nope.
Kevin: Well what is your type?
Jim: Moms primarily. Yup. Soccer moms, single moms, Nascar moms, any type of mom, really.
Roy: That is disgusting.
Kevin: Stay away from my mom.
Jim: Too late, Kev.
Michael: I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Michael: Nerd. That is why you’re not on the team.
Michael: When I retire, I don’t want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be like: “Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?” “Umm, well, uh, I don’t know. It was anonymous.” “Well, guess what? That was Michael Scott!” “But— it was anonymous, how do you know?” “…Because I’m him!”
Meredith: This one’s from Michael. “Let’s hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.”
Michael: Get it? ‘Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And ’cause you’re getting old.
Meredith: I get it.
Jim: Dwight, don’t you need health insurance?
Dwight: Don’t need it. Perfect immunity. I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you need to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.
Dwight: OK, first let’s go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Uh, none. You’re picking a healthcare plan.
Jim: Wait, what are you writing? Don’t write Ebola or mad cow disease, all right? Because I’m suffering from both of them.
Pam: I’m inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, like, let’s say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That’s spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said that “If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North,” and those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
Pam: Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue and that I do not agree with, you would maybe… not be a very good driver.
Dwight: Aw, man! Am I a woman? Aww! Boo!
Michael: Hi, I’m Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I’m also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because Today is almost over.
Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be: Bob Hope, um, Abraham Lincoln, definitely, Bono… uh, and probably God would be the fourth one. And, I just think all those people really, uh, helped the world in so many ways, that it’s, um, it’s really beyond words. It’s really incalculcable.
Michael: Am I going to tell them? No, I’m not going to tell them. I don’t see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
Dwight: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
Oscar: I can play basketball if you need any help.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
Pam: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.