Flanders: Calm down, Neddilly-diddily-diddily-diddily…. They did their best…. Shoddilly-iddily-iddily-diddly… Gotta be nice…. hostility-ility-bility-dility- Aw, hell, diddly-ding-dong-crap! Can’t you morons do anything right?
Skinner: His brand of gum- Doublemint. Trying to double your fun, eh, Bart? Well, I’ll double your detention. I wish someone was around to hear that.
Lisa: I’m impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.
Hutz: What? AHH!!….. I call for one of those bad court thingies!
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Homer: Now I’ve had my head in an elephant, a hippo, and a giant sloth.
Kang: It’s true! We are aliens! But what are you going to do about it? It’s a two party system! You have to vote for one of us!
Man in Crowd: Well, I’m just going to vote for a third party!
Kang: Go ahead! Throw your vote away!! HA HA HA HA!!!
Homer: Stupid cats. With their fancy footwork and their crafty schemes to steal all my smelts!
Homer: Can I at least make you coffee Mr. Burns?
Burns: No! No thank you! Coffee’s already made! I stomped the beans myself! Hear that? The percolations are imminent!
Homer: Mel Brooks is Jewish?
Marge: Honey, I’m so glad you’re home.
Homer: Can’t talk. See Flanders. Later sex.
Mulder: What’s the point of this test, Scully?
Scully: No point, I just think he could stand to lose a little weight.
Mulder: His jiggling…is…almost hypnotic.
Scully: Yes…it’s like a lava lamp.
Bart: Don’t have a cow, man.
Mo: You’re a pig. Barney’s a pig. Larry’s a pig. we’re all pigs… once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off, and act like human beings.
Baby on Board
Baby on board,
How I’ve adored,
That sign on my car’s windowpane.
Bounce in my step,Loaded with pep,
‘Cause I’m drivin’ in the carpool lane.
Call me a square,
Friend, I don’t care.
That little yellow sign can’t be ignored.
I’m tellin’ you it’s mighty nice.
Each trip’s like a trip to paradise
With my baby on board.
Flanders: I’ve done everything the bible says. Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff.
Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Marge: Mmm… Yes, I do.
Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.
Homer: I’m pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I’ll just reach in and pull my legs out … now I’ll pull my arms out with my face.
Jasper: Uh, who shot who in the what now?
Homer: Well, honey, what do you like? Tuba-ma-ba? Oba-ma-bo? That one? Saxa-ma-phone?
Burns: He’s a madman! I must reach Smithers! Now, how does this telephone machine work? I’ve seen others use it, let’s see S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. By jove it worked! It’s ringing!
Moe: Moe’s tavern.
Burns: I’d like to speak to a Mr. Smithers. First name, Waylen.
Moe: Ohhhh. First name “Waylen” hey? Listen, you, if I ever get my hands on you, I’m gonna shove sausages down your throat and hungry dogs up your butt. Then I’ll use your tounge to paint my boat!
Mr. Burns: Smithers, I want you to arrange a party for two at my estate. Marge, me, and do you think you could dig up Al Jolston?
Smithers: Uh, do you remember we did that once before?
Mr. Burns: Ah, that’s right. He’s dead. And rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I’d like to forget.
Bart: The Flanders’ are a bunch of geeks, man.
Homer: The Flanderseses are not geeks! Okay, Rod and Tod are, and the wife has a thing for me, but she hides it behind a mask of low-key hostility.
Homer: It’s like a friggin country bear jambaroo around here.
Principal Skinner: (over the intercom) Attention please, I need a volunteer for a thankless chore. Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson? Thank you, Lisa.
The Stonecutter’s Song
Who controls the British Crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do. We do.
Who keeps Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps martians under wraps?
We do. We do.
Who holds back the electric car?
Who made Steve Guttenberg a STAR?
We do. We do.
Who robs cavefish of their sight?
Who riggs every Oscar night?