Paul Smecker: First of all, I’d like to thank whichever one of you donut-munching, barrel-assed, pud-pulling sissies leaked this to the press. That’s all we need now: some sensational story in the papers making these guys out to be superheroes, triumphing over evil. Let me squash the rumors right now: These two are not heroes. They’re just two ordinary men who were put in an extraordinary situation and just happened to come out on top. Yes, nothing from our far-reaching computer system has turned up diddly on these two. All we know is what we found out from the neighbors, and the general consensus is, they’re angels. But angels don’t kill. And we have two bodies in the morgue that look like they’ve been “serial-crushed by some huge friggin’ guy”.
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