With every word we utter, with every action we take, we know our kids are watching us. We as parents are their most important role models.
We bought matchy hats.
Cameron: I do not pick her up early from preschool.
Mitchell: Lily, did daddy pick you up early from preschool?
Cameron: See? Case closed.
Lily: We didn’t go.
Mitchell: Case open.
Lily: We went shopping.
Cameron:All right, Lily.
Lily: We bought matchy hats.
Cameron: You’re going to your room.
Mitchell: You’re both going to her room.
Phil: Everyone throws up at school once in a while. If I had a nickel for every time I threw up in class, you know how much money I would have?
Luke: Thirty-five cents.
Phil: That’s right.
Phil Dunphy: What’cha got there?
Claire Dunphy: These are supplies for the crafts table. I finally figured out what we’re gonna be making.
Phil Dunphy: Kids bored?
Rhoda Morgenstern Gerard: Aw, listen, I didn’t mean to interrupt… I mean busting in on you and, uh…
Brenda Morgenstern: …Vince.
Vince Mazuma: Hey, don’t worry about it. If anything was really going on, we wouldn’t have heard the knock.
Mitchell: Help! We locked our baby in the car and people are judging us!
Claire: Our son is not weird. What’s weird is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count.
Phil: Act like a parent, talk like a peer. I call it peerenting. I learned it from my own dad who used to walk into my room and say, “What’s up sweat-hog?”
Phil: I think concerts are rad. Hello, I was a hall-raiser!
Haley: A what?
Phil: I followed Hall & Oates around the country one summer. “Rich Girl” just spoke to me; I was dating this girl – not dating, I guess I was following her too, kind of.
Gloria: I always wanted a daughter: to dress her up in pretty dresses, do her hair, her nails, her makeup. No one knows this, but for the first year of his life, I made up Manny like a girl and told everyone that he was my daughter. But just for a few times, I didn’t want to mess with his head. When he found the pictures, I told him that it was his twin sister who died.
Phil: Hey, come in. You’re just in time to catch the end of the game. Come on, I’ll catch you up. OK, so that guy is the tying run – interesting story about him: he’s been stuck on second base forever, and I’m pretty sure he’s gonna try and steal third, which is just a terrible, terrible idea – how are you and Haley doing?
Jay: Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth? He’s a total flake. In fact, the only way he’s like Superman is that they both landed in this country illegally.
Claire: What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this.
Phil: Buddy, uncool.
Claire: That’s it? No. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.
Phil: I’m the cool dad. That’s my thing. I’m hip. I surf the Web. I text. LOL: laughing out loud. OMG: Oh my God. WTF: Why the face?
Nothing can prepare you for the Sleep of the Parents. If sleep is an ocean, then I used to sleep on the floor of it, a sunken thing among the catfish, bubbles blooping from my dreaming mouth towards the surface. Now I sleep in a little rowboat. In a thunderstorm, during a war, with cannons going off all night long. And also sharks.
There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you.
Claire: Your kids don’t need to know who you were before you had them. They need to know who you wish you were, and they need to try to live up to that person. They’re gonna fall short, but better they fall short of the fake you than the real you.
Phil: Which is why we don’t hide anything.
Claire: That is the opposite of what I just said.
Phil: I was not listening.
Always when we walked, it was clear to me how much he loved nature, wild flowers, animals in their natural habitat and the simple pleasures of a beautiful sunset. My love for the environment did not develop out of a vacuum.
Ralphie: Oh no, it was the classic mother BB gun block! Heh, heh. “You’ll shoot your eye out!” That deadly phrase uttered many times before by hundreds of mothers was not surmountable by any means known to kiddom.
Edina: Just do whatever you want.
Edina: But as your mother, I cannot be held responsible for your well-being.
Saffie: Ow! She burned me with her cigarette!
Mr. Stratford: And I’ll get to sleep at night. The deep slumber of a father whose daughters aren’t out being impregnated.
Bianca: Hi Daddy.
Walter Stratford: Hi… where’re we going?
Bianca: Well, if you must know… a small study group with friends.
Walter Stratford: Otherwise known as an orgy?
Chastity: Mr. Stratford, it’s just a party.
Walter Stratford: And hell is just a sauna.
Motherhood is the strangest thing, it can be like being one’s own Trojan horse.
Of all the haunting moments of motherhood, few rank with hearing your own words come out of your daughter’s mouth.