The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"

More from Philips Emo

• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
• I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor."
• You know what I hate? Indian givers.