People do not come to the Internet so that their bad information can be corrected or their cherished theories disproven. Rather, they ask the electronic oracle to confirm them in their ignorance.
These are dangerous times. Never have so many people had so much access to so much knowledge and yet have been so resistant to learning anything.
Leslie Knope: I mean, that’s why people respect Hillary Clinton so much, because nobody takes a punch like her. She’s the strongest, smartest punching bag in the world.
Mallory: I feel like there aren’t a lot of surprises for me down the road. You know, my kids will grow up, they’ll move away, I’ll become a grandmother, I’ll get my face done, my grandkids will graduate from college, I’ll get my face redone, and then I’ll die.
Bree: I mean, that’s silly. We’ll all be dead from loose nukes long before most of that stuff happens.
Mallory: You think?
Everything takes time. Bees have to move very fast to stay still.
I’m asking you to believe. Not in my ability to bring about change – but in yours.
The public health of five million children should not be left to luck or chance.
Anyone who lives inside the United States can never be considered an outsider anywhere within its bounds.
I feel much alarmed at the prospect of seeing General Jackson President. He is one of the most unfit men I know of for such a place. He has had very little respect for laws and constitutions, and is, in fact, an able military chief. His passions are terrible. When I was President of the Senate, he was Senator; and he could never speak on account of the rashness of his feelings. I have seen him attempt it repeatedly, and as often choke with rage. His passions are, no doubt, cooler now; he has been much tried since I knew him, but he is a dangerous man.
Because when you have the nuclear codes at your fingertips and the military in your command, you can’t make snap decisions. You can’t have a thin skin or a tendency to lash out. You need to be steady, and measured, and well-informed.
No, this election, and every election, is about who will have the power to shape our children for the next four or eight years of their lives.
With every word we utter, with every action we take, we know our kids are watching us. We as parents are their most important role models.
When someone is cruel, or acts like a bully, you don’t stoop to their level — no, our motto is, when they go low, we go high.
Jess: You’re such a tonkel!
Winston: Whoa, hold it! Don’t nobody call me a tonkel.
Cece: Spencer cheated on you because he’s a total jerk, not ’cause you’re bad in bed.
Jess: It’s been six years. Everything I know about sex, I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trial.
Vern Thurman: You’ll make a good chief one day.
Molly Solverson: Me? What about Bill? He’s got seniority.
Vern Thurman: Bill cleans his gun with bubble bath. No, it’ll be you.
Jess: I brake for birds. I rock a lot of polka dots. I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours. I spend my entire day talking to children. And I find it fundamentally strange that you’re not a dessert person. That’s just weird, and it freaks me out. And I’m sorry I don’t talk like Murphy Brown. And I hate your pantsuit. I wish it had ribbons on it or something to make it just slightly cuter. And that doesn’t mean I’m not smart and tough and strong.
Lou Solverson: So I got two kinds of sandwiches, tuna and turkey. Tuna’s for the fish. Unless you think they’d think that’s cannibalism.
Postal Worker: This is highly irregular.
Lorne Malvo: No, highly irregular is the time I found a human foot in a toaster oven. This is just odd.
Rainbow: Breaking down barriers: equally important to money. But just so that I’m clear, there is a salary increase, right?
Lorne Malvo: Mister, we’re not friends. I mean, maybe we will be someday. But I gotta say, if that were me in your position? I would have killed that man.
Nick: Uh, Jess, this is Caroline.
Jess: One more time. Cara-lee?
Caroline: Uh, Caroline.
Jess: Caraloo? Coraline?
Jess: Oh, okay. Fancy.
Nick: Do you guys think I have anger issues?
Schmidt: Well I wouldn’t exactly call it an issue. An issue is something you can fix.
Winston: Here’s what I was thinking, okay? If we wanna win this concert, we play something cool, like “Eye of the Tiger.”
Bianca: What’s “Eye of the Tiger”?
Winston: “Eye of the Tiger” is the greatest song ever written. It’s so cool, it ended the Cold War.
Jess: That’s not even a little bit true.
Nick: That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess!
Schmidt: I’m really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, “Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?”