Dane Cook

Hello. I'm a car. Gasoline makes me run. Backseat. Trunk space. Hello. Let's go for a ride. Oil is my blood. Seat belts. Radio knobs.

Dane Cook

I always say God bless you. I never say bless you. I’m not the Lord, I can’t do that.

Dane Cook

I could understand killer horses... that's scary shit... flying through the air and kicking you in the face. That's scary. Fuck bees.

Dane Cook

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Hahahaha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

Dane Cook

I never throw parties. Ya know why? Because afterward you always walk around going "What the fuck did they take? Where's my mom?"

Dane Cook

Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

Dane Cook

Oh no, Mr. Kool-Aid Man, oh no! You better fix that hole in my wall before my dad comes home and beats me with a toaster.

Dane Cook

People at home, you having some drinks? Having some drinkies? Or are you booting black tar heroin? Lose the habit!

Dane Cook

We’re all gonna lie, we’re all gonna cry, and we’re all gonna take painful shits.

Dane Cook

Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he layed it down! “Slip n’ Bleed from the anus” they shoulda called this ride.

Dane Cook