I never throw parties. Ya know why? Because afterward you always walk around going "What the fuck did they take? Where's my mom?"

More from Dane Cook

• Hello. I’m a car. Gasoline makes me run. Backseat. Trunk space.
• Hello. I'm a car. Gasoline makes me run. Backseat. Trunk space. Hello. Let's go for a ride. Oil is my blood. Seat belts. Radio knobs.
• How did Mary die? A tire hit her in the face! What was she doing putting her face near tires? No no no no, this tire hunted Mary down. This tire murdered Mary. This tire wasn't fucking around.
• I always say God bless you. I never say bless you. I’m not the Lord, I can’t do that.
• I could understand killer horses... that's scary shit... flying through the air and kicking you in the face. That's scary. Fuck bees.
• I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Hahahaha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"