Buffy the Vampire Slayer

All I want to do is graduate from high school, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater and die!

Buffy

My secret weapon is PMS.

Buffy

Are you mad at me for being around too much or for not being around enough?

Angel

This isn’t some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don’t wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.

Angel

I like you. You’re funny and you’re nicely shaped, and frankly it’s ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not interlock. Please remove your clothing now.

Anya

I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace.

Anya

Look, I know you find me attractive; I've seen you looking at my breasts.

Anya

Men *like* sports. I'm sure of it.

Anya

You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.

Anya

Am I crazy?

Buffy

A Twinkie! That's his lunch? Oh, he is so gonna be punished.

Buffy

Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.

Buffy

Conjuring? Will, let's be realistic here, okay? Your basic spells are usually only about 50-50.

Buffy

Do you remember that demon that almost got out the night I died?

Buffy

Hey! Look at us. We came up with a plan, a good plan.

Buffy

I didn't jump to conclusions. I took a small step, and conclusions there were.

Buffy

It is a sham, but it's a sham with yams. It's a yam sham.

Buffy

It is a statistically impossible for a 16-year-old girl to unplug her phone.

Buffy

I told you. I said 'End of the World,' and you were like pooh-pooh, Southern California, pooh-pooh.

Buffy

I was just thinking about the life of a pumpkin. Grow up in the sun, happily entwined with others, and then someone comes along, cuts you open, and rips your guts out.

Buffy

Sorry, but I'm an old fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies. Some Assembly Required

Buffy

So then Kathy's like, 'It's share-time.' And I'm like, 'Oh yeah? Share this!'

Buffy

So what I’m wondering is: does this always happen? Sleep with a guy and he goes all evil?

Buffy

Spike, these are my friends. Besides, it's kind of my job.

Buffy

The girl makes Godot look punctual.

Buffy

There's no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate.

Buffy

We saved the world, I say we party.

Buffy

What if the girl wants to, and the guy doesn't? That's a bad sign, right?

Buffy

You never take me any place new.

Buffy

How many times have you been knocked out anyway? I swear, one of these times you're gonna wake up in a coma.

Cordelia

I know that you share this feeling that we both have for each other, deep down.

Cordelia

I know what you’re up to. You think that if you get me mad enough, I won’t be so scared. And hey! It’s working. Where’s a damn weapon?

Cordelia

So does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?

Cordelia

My mummy used to sing to me to sleep...I wonder what your mummy will sing when they find your body?

Druscilla

Every guy, from Manimal down to Mr. I-Love-The-English-Patient, has beast in him.

Faith

You can't trust guys.

Faith

Check her out. Is she hot, or is she hot?

Forrest

How are you going to learn anything if you keep doing schoolwork?

Forrest

Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still-beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore.

Giles

I can't believe you served Buffy that beer.

Giles

I'm not supposed to have a private life?

Giles

Once again I teeter at the precipice of the generation gap.

Giles

Giles (regarding Buffy and Angel’s break-up): I understand this sort of thing requires ice cream of some kind.

Giles

Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons.

Giles

There is a certain dramatic irony attached to all this. A synchronicity that borders on predestination, one might say.

Giles

Why would someone want to hurt Cordelia?

Giles

Yes, always behind on terms. I'm still trying not to refer to you lot as 'bloody colonials.'

Giles

Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?

Harmony

What are you, retarded?

Jack

Halloween isn't about thrills, chills, and funny costumes; it's about getting laid.

Josh

I have two words that are going to make all your troubles go away. “Miniature.” “Golf.”

Mayor Wilkins

Guys. Take a moment to deal with all this. We survived.

Oz

We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise, we bottle them up, and before you know it powerful laxatives are involved.

Principal Flutie

A lot of educators tell students, ‘Think of your principal as your pal.’ I say think of me as your judge, jury and executioner.

Principal Snyder

I know Principal Flutie would have said, ‘Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings.’ That’s the kind of wooly-headed liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.

Principal Snyder

There are things I will not tolerate: students loitering on campus after school, horrible murders with hearts being removed...and also smoking.

Principal Snyder

There're some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.

Principal Snyder

What's in the bag?

Principal Snyder

You! All of you. Why couldn't you be dealing drugs like normal people?

Principal Snyder

There's definitely something off about her.

Riley

You don't understand, I'm good at things. That's what I do. I work hard, apply myself, get it done.

Riley

I like people. They're like Happy Meals with legs.

Spike

I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore.

Spike

Oh, leave that one! He looks like he's ready to drop any minute, and I think I can eat someone if he's already dead.

Spike

Sometimes I like to crumble the Weetabix in the blood. Gives it a little texture.

Spike

This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.

Spike

Whoa! Well, now, that was a little thoughtless. Violent outbursts like that in front of the children. You know Mr. Giles, they look to you to see how to behave.

Mayor Wilkins

Does this sweater make me look fat?

Vampire

This world's no fun.

Vampire Willow

You killed him!

Vampire

Y'know, raiding an Englishman's fridge is like dating a nun. You're never going to get the good stuff.

Whistler

Buff, I'm storming off. It doesn't really work if you come with me.

Willow

Goody! Research party!

Willow

Guess she's out with Riley. You know what it's like with a spanking new boyfriend.

Willow

He deserves a torturous and slow death by spider bites. Well, for today, we'll just have to throw spitballs at his neck in class.

Willow

He's delirious. He thought I was Buffy.

Willow

How can you be so calm?

Willow

How come you didn't tell me I look like a crazy birthday cake in this shirt?

Willow

If you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun!

Willow

I'm a bloodsucking fiend! Look at my outfit!

Willow

I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?

Willow

It’s the non-relationship drink of choice. It’s not a date, it’s a caffeinated beverage. Okay, sure, it’s hot and bitter like a relationship that way, but…

Willow

I’ve seen honest faces before. They usually come attached to liars.

Willow

I don't believe this is entirely on the up and up.

Willow

Love makes you do the wacky.

Willow

Okay, so you're a werewolf. No problem. But hey, three days out of the month, I'm not much fun either.

Willow

Okay, your name is Cordelia, you're not a cat, you're in high school, and we're your friends. Well, sort of.

Willow

That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky... and I think I'm kinda gay.

Willow

Well, I'm...ooh, boyfriend! My on-campus boyfriend. (Oz comes up and he and Willow kiss.)

Willow

Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me, or I can just get on with my life.

Willow

When I’m with a boy I like I can’t say anything cool, or witty–or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.

Willow

Aren't you supposed to be drinking tea, anyway?

Xander

For I am Xander, Kind of Cretins, may all lesser Cretins bow before me.

Xander

Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.

Xander

I am the bug man, kew, kew, katchoo.

Xander

I cannot stress enough how much I don’t have plans.

Xander

I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist, and delicious.

Xander

I have my pride. Okay, I don’t have a lot of my pride, but I have enough so that I can’t do this.

Xander

I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.

Xander

I'm not gonna waste the perfect comeback on you now. But don't think I don't have it. Oh yes, it's time will come!

Xander

Just think of my lips as the Fruit Roll-Ups of Love...okay, that was gross.

Xander

My whole life just flashed before my eyes. I gotta get me a life.

Xander

Ooh, gang, didja hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever!

Xander

Oooh. Sunnydale Bus Depot. Classy. What a better way to introduce someone to our country than with a stench of urine.

Xander

That's okay, I don't wanna go. I'm just gonna go home, lie down and listen to country music...the music of pain.

Xander

Think of the happy. If we don't find what we're looking for, we're facing the apocalypse.

Xander

To read makes our speaking english good.

Xander

Well, 'cause you never know if a girl's gonna say yes or if she's gonna laugh in your face and pull out your still-beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel.

Xander

Well, how about this: we whip out the Ouija board, light a few candles, summon some ancient unstoppable evil? Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem; we show up and and kick its ass.

Xander

Well, not much goes on in a one-Starbucks town like Sunnydale.

Xander

We’re right behind you, only further back.

Xander

Who's the little fear demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon?

Xander

Will, changing the look not an idle threat with you.

Xander

You're considered somewhat cool.

Xander

I don't know about you, but I had a nice day. You know, except for the bulk of it where I was nearly tortured to death.

Angel

I know you guys have been working hard and cooped up inside a lot. And, uh, to show my appreciation, I was thinking, the night being you know, young and all... that the three of us could, well, should maybe ... go out. You know... for fun.

Angel

I felt your heart beat.

Buffy

Well, I better get mingling. I really should be talking to people that are somebody. But it was fun!

Cordelia

All I'm saying is, if you and I ever hope to take that cruise to the Bahamas together, we're going to need a lot more clients with means.

Doyle

See, you need to chat people up a bit more casual like, you know? "Hi, what's your name? How's life treating you? What's that you say? Minions from hell getting you down?"

Doyle

Go to hell.

Kate

You're telling me you're an investigator?

Kate

I was once a bad-assed vampire. But love and a pesky curse de-fanged me and now im just a big, fluffy puppy with bad teeth.

Spike