Ah Goddamnit man, the Doobie Brothers broke up, shit! When did that happen?
Jack
Audrey lost her virginity before the rest of us even knew we had it.
Jack
Did you see God? Is she mad at me?
Jack
Goddamn it, I knew I should've listened to my mother. I could've been a cosmetic surgeon, five hundred thou a year, up to my neck in tits and ass.
Jack
I don't know about you, but I intend on writing a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all of this.
Jack
I got a boy. Eight months old. Smiles a lot.
Jack
I have a feeling beneath those jeans is something wonderful waiting to get out.
Jack
I'm just mad at everybody right now - that has a y-chromosome.
Jack
I’m the king of the world!
Jack
I wish I knew how to quit you.
Jack
I would DIE!
Jack
Mr. Vaughn, you're young and you're eager, and I understand that. But one thing you're not, and this is something only time can provide really, is wise.
Jack
Oh, my Cher!
Jack
One hell of a morning has turned into a bitch of a day!
Jack
Sometimes I miss you so much I can hardly stand it.
Jack
That’s the one good thing about Paris: there’s a lot of girls willing to take their clothes off.
Jack
You're the foxiest bitch I've ever known.
Jack
(to his crotch) What were you thinking?!
Jack
Wait a minute, he's after you. Who the hell are you?
Jack
Wendy!
Jack
What are you, retarded?
Jack
Why are you here, Doc?
Jack
Why is the rum always gone? (staggers drunkenly into the wall) Oh, that’s why.
Jack
Would your father be happy knowing you're sitting in a token booth planning vacations you're never going to take?
Jack
You know, friend, this is a god damn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation.
Jack