I had to call in a few favors. But if you don’t call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?

More from Parks and Recreation

• I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here. Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing.
• I’m going to see my mom. She’s a big mucky-muck in the county school system. She’s my hero. How do I explain her? She’s as respected as Mother Theresa, she’s as powerful as Stalin, and she’s as beautiful as Margaret Thatcher.
• Sir? This is a children’s slide. You’re not allowed to sleep here.
• These people are members of the community that care about where they live. So what I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.
• This is where the rubber of government meets the road of actual human beings.
• This is my basketball court. I don’t want to see any double dribbles. I don’t want to see any three second violations.