I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here. Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing.

More from Parks and Recreation

• I’m going to see my mom. She’s a big mucky-muck in the county school system. She’s my hero. How do I explain her? She’s as respected as Mother Theresa, she’s as powerful as Stalin, and she’s as beautiful as Margaret Thatcher.
• Sir? This is a children’s slide. You’re not allowed to sleep here.
• These people are members of the community that care about where they live. So what I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.
• This is where the rubber of government meets the road of actual human beings.
• This is my basketball court. I don’t want to see any double dribbles. I don’t want to see any three second violations.
• I had to call in a few favors. But if you don’t call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?