Henny Youngman

I bet on a horse at ten to one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up — they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.

Henny Youngman

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o clock.

Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Usually that's not so bad, but New York City?

Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henny Youngman

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Henny Youngman