I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up — they have no holidays.

More from Henny Youngman

• I bet on a horse at ten to one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
• If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
• I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.
• I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o clock.
• My dad was the town drunk. Usually that's not so bad, but New York City?
• Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.