A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

More from Robert Orben

• Don’t smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We’re all on the road to the grave–but there’s no need to be in the passing lane.
• Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.
• More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
• 24 beers in a case, 24 hours in a day, coincedence? I think not.
• A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
• Above all, do not fail to give good dinners, and to pay attention to the women.