Don’t smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We’re all on the road to the grave–but there’s no need to be in the passing lane.

More from Robert Orben

• A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
• Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.
• More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
• 24 beers in a case, 24 hours in a day, coincedence? I think not.
• A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
• Above all, do not fail to give good dinners, and to pay attention to the women.