Janey, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and blackmailed him for almost sixty-thousand dollars. Would you please pass the asparagus?

More from American Beauty

• I need a father who's a role model, not some horny geek-boy who's gonna spray his shorts whenever I bring a girlfriend home from school.
• Don’t interrupt me, honey.
• 24 beers in a case, 24 hours in a day, coincedence? I think not.
• A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
• Above all, do not fail to give good dinners, and to pay attention to the women.
• Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.