We must pray the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio, know the name of that righteous dude who can solve their problems: it's Jesus Christ, and he's in the Book!

More from Heathers

• Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.
• If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host.
• This may seem like a stupid question...
• 24 beers in a case, 24 hours in a day, coincedence? I think not.
• A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
• Above all, do not fail to give good dinners, and to pay attention to the women.