The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

More from P. J. O'Rourke

• Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
• Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
• Only God can make a tree; but only Man can drive by one so fast.
• 24 beers in a case, 24 hours in a day, coincedence? I think not.
• A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
• Above all, do not fail to give good dinners, and to pay attention to the women.