Steven Wright — People

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Steven Wright

Depression is nothing but anger without enthusiasm.

Steven Wright

A white curled wig rests on an upright silver coin beside an open empty brown wallet against slate blue. — Original artwork

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Steven Wright

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Steven Wright

Nested gift boxes wrapped in stripes, dots, waves and checks, with a bare white box on top, on a grey-green background. — Original artwork

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Steven Wright

I drove past a gas station the other day. There were two signs in the window; "Help Wanted", "Self Service". So, I went in and hired myself. Made myself the boss. I took all the money and I left.

Steven Wright

A blank clipboard stands beside a teal pencil with a tiny red rotary telephone perched above it. — Original artwork

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"...what's my mother going to do?

Steven Wright

An ornate gold frame holds a vivid burst of red, gold, blue and purple paint on a dark gallery wall. — Original artwork

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

Steven Wright

I'm going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me, but taller.

Steven Wright

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Steven Wright

I once got pulled over and the cop said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "Why? Because I had my foot to the floor. Sends more gas through the carbourator. Makes the engine go faster. The whole car just takes off like that."

Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Steven Wright

I put spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

Steven Wright

A small globe partly painted pale blue, with a paintbrush leaning against it and a paint cup nearby. — Original artwork

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Steven Wright

I've been arrested lots of times. I was once arrested for resisting arrest:

Steven Wright

A small bird nestled in a cloth-lined wicker basket with a blank tag on a stone doorstep. — Original artwork

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Steven Wright

Painterly fishing rod leaning beside a metal bucket on a small rock beside misty water. — Original artwork

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

Steven Wright

A mint-green twin stroller holds a yellow plush duck in one seat while the other is empty. — Original artwork

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Steven Wright

A cardboard box overflowing with colourful button-and-marble planets beside an empty miniature shelf. — Original artwork

You can't have everything...where would you put it?

Steven Wright