A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Steven Wright
- Born
- 1955
- Occupations
- comedian, screenwriter, writer
Facts: Wikidata (CC0), as of 2026-07-09
Depression is nothing but anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
I drove past a gas station the other day. There were two signs in the window; "Help Wanted", "Self Service". So, I went in and hired myself. Made myself the boss. I took all the money and I left.
Steven Wright
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"...what's my mother going to do?
Steven Wright
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
Steven Wright
I'm going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me, but taller.
Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
I once got pulled over and the cop said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "Why? Because I had my foot to the floor. Sends more gas through the carbourator. Makes the engine go faster. The whole car just takes off like that."
Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright
I put spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Steven Wright
I've been arrested lots of times. I was once arrested for resisting arrest:
Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Steven Wright
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
Steven Wright