A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Steven Wright
Depression is nothing but anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
I drove past a gas station the other day. There were two signs in the window; "Help Wanted", "Self Service". So, I went in and hired myself. Made myself the boss. I took all the money and I left.
Steven Wright
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"...what's my mother going to do?
Steven Wright
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
Steven Wright
I'm going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me, but taller.
Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright
I put spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Steven Wright
I've been arrested lots of times. I was once arrested for resisting arrest: "You're under arrest." "No I'm not." "You're under arrest."
Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Steven Wright
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
Steven Wright