I drove past a gas station the other day. There were two signs in the window; "Help Wanted", "Self Service". So, I went in and hired myself. Made myself the boss. I took all the money and I left.

More from Steven Wright

• A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
• Depression is nothing but anger without enthusiasm.
• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
• Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
• I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
• I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"...what's my mother going to do?