Billy Madison — Characters

A capped glass milk bottle standing on a small wooden crate against a mint-green background. — Original artwork

Hey sideburns, you want some of this milk? Janitor. I’d rather have a beer.

Billy Madison

A potted fern with a pale paper bow sits on a small wooden desk beside a pink rose. — Original artwork

I will not make out with you! Mr. Chlorophyll up there is talking about God knows what and you want to make out with me!? Well I'm here to learn sister. (turning to teacher) Continue.

Billy Madison

A worn leather dog lead hangs in a heart-shaped loop above a tennis ball on a wooden floor. — Original artwork

If your dog is lost, you don’t look for an hour and call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fuckin dog!

Billy Madison

A tiny bath beneath a duck-patterned shower curtain, with a yellow rubber duck peeking out beside aqua tiles. — Original artwork

Shampoo is better! I go on first and clean the hair! Conditioner is better! I leave the hair silky and smooth! Oh, really, fool? Really! (Notices gold swan on edge of tub) Stop looking at me, swan!

Billy Madison

A folded paper penguin wearing a plum bow tie with a tweed patch at one wing, standing on a turquoise square. — Original artwork

Okay Mr. Penguin. I'm gonna take you to the zoo where you'll meet some nice people, they'll treat you real respectable like.

Billy Madison

Painterly overturned orange lotion bottle spilling white cream on a turquoise-striped towel. — Original artwork

Suntan lotion good for me. It protects me, tee hee hee. Sun is bad, Lotion good. (Squeezes bottle) Phft, phft, phfffnnnnnnnt! Smiley.

Billy Madison

A wooden chalkboard eraser rests beside three plain wooden blocks and white chalk dust on blue ground. — Original artwork

Billy (to young student having difficulty reading): ta ta Tah-day, Junior!

Billy Madison

A small amber glass hourglass containing a pale curled swirl on a charcoal and amber background. — Original artwork

Wait a minute. What day is it?

Billy Madison