Emo Philips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Emo Philips

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, “Why limit yourselves?”

Emo Philips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"

Emo Philips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

Emo Philips

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

Emo Philips

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.

Emo Philips

I was walking down the street. Something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet.

Emo Philips

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor."

Emo Philips

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

Emo Philips

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

Emo Philips

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

Emo Philips

Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Emo Philips

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"

Emo Philips

The toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.

Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...

Emo Philips

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Emo Philips

Women. You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.

Emo Philips