Emo Philips — People

Two glasses of lemonade stand on a small wooden crate with lemons, checked cloth and a tiny green bottle. — Original artwork

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Emo Philips

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, “Why limit yourselves?”

Emo Philips

Painterly three stacked cushions in blue, cream and burgundy against blue-grey. — Original artwork

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"

Emo Philips

A yellow mop beside a sponge and a blue bucket overflowing with suds. — Original artwork

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

Emo Philips

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

Emo Philips

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.

Emo Philips

I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.

Emo Philips

A glass marble with an eye-like center resting on dark cracked paving. — Original artwork

I was walking down the street. Something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet.

Emo Philips

A pink balloon sits in a yellow taco-shaped holder beside a red chilli on turquoise. — Original artwork

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor."

Emo Philips

Painterly terracotta bust beside a small brass compass on a burgundy cushion. — Original artwork

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

Emo Philips

Oh, yes...I've tried my hand at sex.

Emo Philips

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

Emo Philips

A brass telephone handset with a looped coiled cord resting on a yellow cushion against grey. — Original artwork

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

Emo Philips

Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Emo Philips

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said “If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.”

Emo Philips

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"

Emo Philips

An ornate gold frame hangs on a plum wall around a swirling dark storm-cloud image. — Original artwork

The toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.

Emo Philips

A steaming blue coffee pot and mismatched cups stand on a yellow checked tablecloth, one cup wearing a tiny party hat. — Original artwork

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...

Emo Philips

A tiny silver wire bicycle with a red bow leaning on a folded lavender cloth. — Original artwork

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Emo Philips

Women. You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.

Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers.

Emo Philips