At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips
Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, “Why limit yourselves?”
Emo Philips
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"
Emo Philips
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry!" He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Emo Philips
I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.
Emo Philips
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.
Emo Philips
I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.
Emo Philips
I was walking down the street. Something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet.
Emo Philips
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
Emo Philips
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
Emo Philips
Oh, yes...I've tried my hand at sex.
Emo Philips
People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
Emo Philips
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
Emo Philips
Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said “If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.”
Emo Philips
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
Emo Philips
The toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...
Emo Philips
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Emo Philips
Women. You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
Emo Philips
You know what I hate? Indian givers. No, I take that back.
Emo Philips