I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.

More from Emo Philips

• At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
• Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, “Why limit yourselves?”
• I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"
• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry!" He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
• I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.
• I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.