When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.

More from Emo Philips

• At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
• Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, “Why limit yourselves?”
• I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"
• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry!" He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
• I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.
• I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.