If she were a hot guy, I would never be that smooth. It’s ironic. It’s like the gift of the Vagi.

More from Modern Family

• Could you L a little less OL?
• I’m fairly gay. I don’t know why I just said that. I’m totally gay. Just … gay.
• Mitchell’s mother has a problem with me. Last Christmas, for example, she gave me a piece of exercise equipment and a lettuce dryer. So to recap, I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings, and she gave me a hint.
• She looks like she was dipped in glue and dragged through a flea market.
• You’re an amazing girl, Katie. You are the full package. I just prefer someone who has one.
• Our son is not weird. What’s weird is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count.