The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

More from The Office (U.S.)

• Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm… sometimes teenagers use it for sex.
• Abraham Lincoln once said that “If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North,” and those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
• Am I going to tell them? No, I’m not going to tell them. I don’t see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
• Hi, I’m Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I’m also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because Today is almost over.
• I don’t understand… you want to see other people? Only other people?
• Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.