Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Groucho Marx

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Groucho Marx

Behind every great man is a great woman, and behind her is his wife.

Groucho Marx

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Groucho Marx

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Groucho Marx

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

Groucho Marx

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Groucho Marx

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Groucho Marx

Look, if you don’t like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can’t find that, you can leave in a taxi.

Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution...if, of course, you like living in an institution.

Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Groucho Marx

Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!

Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Groucho Marx

Remember men, you are fighting for the lady's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.

Groucho Marx

She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the life of the party.

Groucho Marx

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Groucho Marx

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Groucho Marx