During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.

More from Happy Gilmore

• I was supposed to be on that tour.
• Could I trouble you for a glass of warm milk? It helps me get to sleep.
• Are you too good for your home? Answer me!
• Green jacket, gold jacket. Who gives a shit?
• [to caddy] Where were you on that one, dipshit?
• Golfing requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor, the accountant – huge ass.